The Twilight Saga: New Moon

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene, Michael Sheen, Taylor Lautner
Adapated for the screen by Melissa Rosenberg
Based on the novel "New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer
Directed by Chris Weitz
Summit Entertainment, 130 mins., Rated PG-13

Go see New Moon! Featuring a revolutionary performance by Kristen Stewart in which she limits her lip biting to TWO scenes and delivers every emotional line of dialog in a monotone, forgetful and delirious voice; multiple redundant conversations with two broody boys basically repeating the SAME conversation of two scenes ago; a female protagonist who is the exact opposite of a role model for young girls - going anti-social, suicidal, suffering nightmares, and sorta turnin’ druggie just because a boy in your life goes bye-bye; a iTunes playlist of unspectacular, emo songs to perfectly compliment a equally emo movie; two leads whose kiss appears to be as awkward and painful as a lobster clinching ones private parts, but doesn’t nearly amount to the painfulness of an audience member having to watch it; and finally, a bunch of guys who take their shirts without any reason whatsoever.

Yes, my opinion on The Twilight Saga: New Moon means jack shooters, because this juggernaut is gonna rank in some Revenge of the Fallen bucks, sirs. There’s not a day that goes by that the Twilight merchandise section in my store doesn’t get eye-goggled by a bunch of teen gals, or someone picks up one of our $29.99 cardboard cut outs of our dear beloved Eddie. Er, Edward, I mean. [But Edward sounds so edgy and oldyish; for the sake of bromance and a less broody sounding protagonist, I’m calling him Eddie] But dang nabbit, I sat in the theater and watched this 2 hour and 10 minute movie, and I gots me some things to say.

First off, a plot summary! Not like anyone who reading this doesn’t (probably) already know the story’s plot, but what the Edward: a few months after the romantic events of nearly dying by a crazed ex-O.C. cast member and having your boyfriend constantly wanting to kill you, Eddie and Bella are keeping it cool. Eddie still walks in slow motion, and still doesn’t know about the centuries old invention of a hair brush. But sadly, all the time Bella spends with Eddie ostracizes her from her other buddies, including Jacob Black, the resident Indian dude with long hair who is dying for the opportunity to ask this gal out. Luckily for him, a near fatal birthday surprise at the Cullen house sends Eddie & family packing, afraid they might cause harm to the deer little lass…

No need to fear, because Bella’s so distraught, she goes out of her way to self-inflict some hurt. She rides on a motorcycle with some random tattooed dude in town, she jumps off a cliff, and attempts to learn how to drive a motorcycle (with the all-too-innocent help of Jakie, who by no means has a unsubtle crush on our lead actress and totally loves Eddie) all to achieve a “rush”, as in freakishly seeing apparitions of Eddie that look even more freakier than Eddie looks like in real life! (shudder at the thought) The funny part is that Ghost Eddie keeps coaching Bella to do things a girl of regular everyday intelligence would know, but this being Bella, she needs it told to her by her ghostly hubby; there’s just some moments that are just too darn funny.

Well, the last half hour of the movie kicks into overdrive as Bella’s extracurricular activities (read: cliff jumping) leads Eddie to believe his long lost love is…lost, and intends to show off his glowly, sparkily self to all of Italy, thus exposing his kind, and hopefully get killed by his good Vampire clan buddies the Volturi. Sadly, Eddie lives, Bella and Eddie are reunited, and all is good and the world.

Oh, and there’s another crucial element to New Moon: a love triangle! During Eddie’s departure, Bella begins to use her friend Jacob as a distraction, sorta leading him on without any intention of following through (biotch). But things get really complicated as it is revealed Jakie is going through “some changes.” Changes, as in, gaining the ability to transform into a giant, cute puppy with a mighty growl complex. In summary, Eddie leaves Bella, Bella sad, Bella uses Jacob for distraction, Jacob fancies Bella, Bella loco, you won’t like Jacob when he’s angry, Bella-Eddie-Jakie triangle.

Here concludith New Moon, the much heralded superior successor to Catherine Hardwicke’s 2008 adaptation Twilight. My opinion: the first was better, but I get why Hardwicke probably wouldn’t be suitable to helm this pic; she’s not all that familiar with special visual effects, although director Chris Weitz (brother of Paul Weitz who helmed the equally disastrous but much less entertaining Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, which really does showcase some of the most bland performances in the history of Harry Potter-cashin’Ville) has some experience with his less than stellar The Golden Compass some while back, though most notably for making Nicole Kidman actually look hot. New Moon is longer than the first, and plays more or less like a extended episode of some teen series where a woman is split between two really bad guy candidates with a monster-ish psychopathic tendency, but has to choose one of ‘em. Anyway, sorry about the detour, but Hardwicke was at least able to get some deep emotional pull from the story and the actors, something that is saddeningly absent from this picture, despite being a far more emotional story!

Right off the bat, I’ll bring up some things I liked: the very first shot of the wolves in the trees was very, very cool. Actually, it wasn’t cool; it was quite frightening, really. I thought that visual would have made a pretty cool horror flick. The chase after Victoria in the woods as she’s jumping about and using the trees to her advantage as the Wolfies run after her as some well timed music plays: that was good. Plus, the moment where she sticks her head out of the water – e-e-r-i-e!!! There’s also a wolf fight between one of the sorta villainy dudes from the first one and said wolves – it’s quite cool, although I wish it was extended longer. And, er, I guess out of all the main character performances, Taylor Lautner was the, um, “best.”

One particular, no-brainer awesome performance comes from Michael Sheen, choosing not to freak me out today with his scary eyebrows (a la Forst/Nixon), who plays the main head honcho in charge of the Volturi, a vampire organization that is basically The Law. Sheen appears to be having a absolute blast, as he waves his hands around, shows off some pretty red eyes, and is overall completely charismatic as he talks in a slow, deliberate voice. I would rewatch these last minutes over and over because Sheen is just mesmerizing to watch. And the sight of Eddie getting his ass handed to him is just too good to ignore commenting.

Now, a question that’s been puzzling me: is there a particular reason that once a member of Jacob’s fan club finds out they’re a wolf-in-name-only, they choose to go about their day without their shirt? I’m frankly surprised we didn’t see a grocery store scene where he had his shirt off, or going to the public bathroom with his shirt off, or even helping an old lady across a street…shirtless. Is it a ‘one-with-wilderness’ thing? I get the obvious female eye candy thing, but logistically: um, why?

For the bad stuff, I’m not going to spend a gazillion hours chronicling every non-Oscar-level moment in this movie, or I’ll never get done. The jist is: Kristen Stewart doesn’t act in this movie. In the first, there were moments of a genuine performance. In New Moon, I honestly can’t tell you, pinpoint, or possibly surmise any scene where she changed her ‘performance’ even one iota molecule or whatever. The same monotone, zombie-ish performance that is somehow lacking compared to Rob Pattinson (shudders). Pattinson is as pale as ever, and totally digging his ‘totally hot self’, but never once conveys a sense of being a remotely interesting or likable person. Speaking of which, the ‘lovers’ are about the most blah, uncharismatic group I’ve ever seen. Whenever they kiss, it really looks like Pattinson is constipated, and Stewart is just bopping her head back and forth with her lips outstretched to get the scene completed. Both of them look like they’re in actual physical pain! Sure, Eddie really wants to kill Bella and suck her blood dry, but where’s the tiny wincy hint of romance? There’d probably be more chemistry between Kristen Stewart and Christopher Lee, though who’d ever wanna watch a scene with those two together..

And this brings us to Taylor Lautner, the dude who spends at minimum an hour of running time shirtless, broody, longing, and possibly really trying to improve his acting ‘skills.’ To be fair, Lautner is a pretty likable guy, and has the short end of the stick. The majority of girls are goo-goo ga-ga over Mr. DcDreamy & Perfect-o Eddie, so it probably takes a bit for the gals to accept him in lieu of constipated Pattison. I don’t have much to say about Taylor, but good luck sir. You were one of the least annoying aspects of the movie, although you had some pretty bad performance moments yourself, but I’m rooting for you in the next two. And good luck with Breaking Dawn, because apparently that’s going to be a doozy.

I read the first Twilight book before it became a national phenomenon, and never really got into it enough to read the second, so I’m watching these movies with a fresh eye. The plotline itself, the devastating effects of a breakup with ones ‘true love’ is definitely interesting and worth exploring, but the way it’s presented, it’s a little unfortunate. Bella wakes up with night terrors for months and becomes entirely anti-social. This is the bit where I could go into Bella being a horrible role model for young girls, but that’s been brought up so many bloody times and is on the verge of being as annoying as Stewart’s presence in a movie, so I’ll skip that for now. Interesting idea, just wish it was presented in a different light. The idea of Jacob and how he nudges his way in-between her and Eddie is also interesting, as well as his “dark passenger” (hehehe, oh I crack myself up).

Good ideas, it’s just the story, the way it was presented…I just don’t like how it was written, I guess. How Bella reacts, and the shell of a person she becomes after Eddie’s departure… Gah, is all I can say without getting too into it. Gah! Gah! Guh!

I ragged on New Moon a lot in this review; and for that I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. It just reads so well as Mystery Science Theater potential there were just some things that couldn’t be left unsaid. Overall, New Moon is a ‘good’ movie. Fine, well crafted, good cinematography; music composition and selection could use a little work, and the ‘actors’ could use quite a lot of work. But nonetheless, I’m dumb enough that in June 2010, I’ll be one of those people sitting in the theater Kit Kat bar in one hand and a Dr. Pepper in the other ready to immerse myself in a third helping of Eddie, Bella, and Jakie. Until then folks, vote for Team Jacob! (I kid, I kid; no really, don’t vote, at all)

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS II: ALL SAINTS DAY
Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, Billy Connolly, Clifton Collins Jr., Julie Benz, Peter Fonda
Written & Directed by Troy Duffy
Release date: 31 October 2009 (limited), 13 November 2009 (wide)
Stage 6 Films, 117 mins, Rated R

“The saints…are coming, the saints…are coming”

Back in May I discovered a movie that people have been going ga-ga over for a decade. 1999’s “The Boondock Saints”, the debut of writer and director Troy Duffy, went largely unnoticed by me, uninterested in the bland covers and furthermore unaffected by the ginormous hype surrounding the flick the past few years. It wasn't until someone sat me down, popcorn in hand, and forced me to watch it; and wouldn't yah know it - within the first 6 minutes, I knew it was a movie that I not only loved, but would be owning in the very immediate future (and I did; bought the Steelbook DVD edition the day after). And, as luck would have it, I found out that a sequel was already in development and would probably be out by the end of the year! (it was)

So, moral of the story, wait 10 years to really get into a much loved movie because by that time a sequel will probably already have been made or be out really, really soon.

Anyway, the day has finally arrived, and "Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day" premiered at my local Marcus Theater (much to my utter surprise when surfing through the theater's website; I thought I was going to have to practice patience and wait for the eventual DVD and Blu-Ray release), and [duh], I raced my butt over there right after my lovely Intro to Mass Communications class (read: the media's evil).

The movie begins in a familiar fashion – Duffy’s much treasured fade in and outs accompanied by vocal, chanting-ish music (then followed by some rock music; if nothing else, “All Saints Day” serves as a good jukebox). In Boston, a priest is killing in a manner resembling the Saints, the vigilante group that disappeared without a trace eight years before after the public murder of mafia crime lord Yakavetta. The murder reaches the Saints – Connor and Murphy McManus (Flanery, Reedus), living the peaceful life in Ireland with their Da (Connolly). Immediately, they suit up and travel back to Boston to execute everyone involved in the murder, and cause some “gratuitous violence.” Along the way, they meet up with Romeo (Collins), a spirited kick-ass kind of guy who believes in the Saints and find them just and wants to be a member of the gang; plus he has a few connections that could be useful.

Meanwhile, Special Agent Eunice Bloom (Benz) is on the trail of the Priest’s killer, along with Agents Duffy, Dolly and Greenly. Similar to eight years ago, things get major bloody. It's revealed that the murder of the priest is connected to Concezio Yakavetta (Nelson), son of Joe Yakavetta (said crime lord the Saints executed), who wants the Saints dead out of revenge. But things may not be as they seem, as there's another layer to the killing that no one predicted.

First off: excitement levels were OFF THE CHART walking in and sitting in the theater.
It’s quite evident everyone involved had a bloody BLAST making this flick, and it shows, but unfortunately there’s a overarching feeling that Duffy & Co. are trying too hard to rekindle the awesomeness of the first one.

Returning as the McManus brothers, Flanery and Reedus seem giddy as ever to come back, although they look a tad weary than ten years before. Billy Connolly has a expanded role as their Father, and even factors into the story during its final 30 (although, seen in Godfather Part 2-ish flashbacks, we get a history lesson of Papa McManus, and boy is it good). Basically, just don't mess with this guy - or the family for that matter. Newcomer Clifton Collins, Jr. joins the boys as Romeo, providing more of the funnies as well as a lot of kick-assery. One particularly funny sequence with his character is when he's trying to think of a good final line after a shoot-out. And as for Julie Benz - well, not her best performance, looks a little freaky, frankly. Sirs, if you're interested in this gal, may I refer you to her stint on Angel, specifically the entirety of season 2: to say her every performance in every episode was flabbergasting would not be an understatement.

There are also three surprise appearances that brought a smile to my face; one of them is far too juicy to spoil, but I will say to that one question all "Boondock" fans are asking, it’s a yes, but for a limited time, but it was absolutely awesome. There’s also a cameo from a deceased character that brought a very man-macho moment to the picture (near the last half hour when shit really began to hit the fan), and the appearance of a actor that surprised the hell outta me for being in this. That’s Paul Johansson, infamous for his portrayal as the deliciously wicked Dan Scott in The CW’s “One Tree Hill”. I haven’t been this surprised or giddy about a surprise starring role since Scott Patterson (Luke on The CW’s “Gilmore Girls”) graced the screen in “Saw IV.” Johansson plays the edgy FBI Agent who takes over the Saints investigation and is basically just a hard-ass, something he can do quite well.

You want action? "All Saints Day" has action galore. Although it takes about 30 to 40 mins. for the Saints to do what they do best, it's not until the last 30 really that the action is totally completely awesome. A group of maybe 20 people coming down on the Saints, guns ablazing; the Saints trying to break into a building, inspired by a crazy idea from a movie one of them had seen; a fun and quick bar duel, etc., etc. More action than the first, but sadly not as, well, fun. At least, there wasn't that sense of joy for most of the movie that I felt with the first one; there was more or less of my brain thinking, '2 guys versus 10 of these dudes? How are they NOT shot even ONCE?' But, whatev - hold onto that suspension of disbelief.

As for the script, and basically the whole reason the movie exists: well, it's alright. To start off, I'm going to bring up a point I didn't even think about until I was reading some other reviews. Film.com reviewer mentioned the rather dumb reason the boys go out of retirement and go back to Boston to exact some revenge; indeed, they knew of the priest, they didn't know him personally nor was he important in some way. So, in that respect, the MacGuffin sort of didn't work all that well. There's plenty of callbacks to the first movie, a lot of trying to rekindle the flare that worked so well before. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (although the dream sequence with a deceased character was sorta fun).

I did enjoy the sorta possible theme of that whoever the brothers associate with, they put in harms way; but these people make their own choices, and they believe in them and what the boys are doing is good and right, so they continue on regardless of the perils. It's little nuggets like that which I enjoy in vigilante movies that sadly goes mostly unnoticed here.

The interesting thing is that after all the anticipation, I don't have too much to say. The performances were good, the script was good, the music was okay, the editing alright (could be tighter); basically, it was all good. There does seem a sense of overindulging, like Duffy thought himself invincible to a long-ish feel to his movie and possible flat jokes (there's a sorry few), and a lot of music, enough to the point that I thought 'why not make this a music video?' I really don't want to rag on the flick, nor do I wish to cast it in a negative light - there are areas of improvement, but it was, overall, a fun movie-going experience and worth the wait.

So, in the end, “All Saints Day” had its ups and downs, boasts action galore, one helluva movie soundtrack (I’ll have “The Saints Are Coming” stuck in my head for at least two weeks), and the potential of a third installment (fingers crossed, and hopefully another 10 years won’t elapse). Actually, speaking about a third picture, the Wikipedia page mentions a interview with Duffy and Connolly about said third movie, with a tentative working title of "Boondock Saints III: Saints Preserve Us". Duffy & Co., count my ticket already bought.

Batman Portraits of Evil: Silent Night

BATMAN PORTRAITS OF EVIL: SILENT NIGHT
Starring Craig Deering, Joe Korbel, Katie Diedrick, Tom Skobel, Adrianna Lombardo
Directed by Craig Deering & Allen Murphy
Screenplay by Kyle Bridges
Evil Iguana Productions, 32 mins., 2009

I remember a little over a year ago perusing through YouTube trying to find anything and everything Dark Knight, even a new TV spot that has at least a half-second of new footage that would give me a little better clue as to what to expect from this sure-fire orgasmically awesome sequel to an already orgasmically awesome franchise rebooter. Well, there wasn't much of those, but there were already plenty of spoofs and parodies online. One of the more famous and watched is the much loved "Interrogation Scene Spoof" (it's truly a classic, and kudos to everyone involved in that), but there was another one that made me go hehe-haha quite a bit as well: called "The Dark Knight Trailer Spoof", it was one of the funnier of the spoofs (I'm sorry video creators, but there's just some so-called "spoofs" that just feel more awkward and less funny than a episode of The Office [both versions]), and was created by a rather oddly named group: Evil Iguana Productions. Well, luckily their group name was weird enough that it stuck in my head.

Fast forward to this evening. It's the week of release for The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and me being sick of the love-fest and goo-goo-ga-ganess over Edward and Jacob, I wanted to escape the frenzy and watch some much-needed Twilight spoofing. I had recently watched the SNL Taylor Swight "Firelight", which was amusing (I loved the hell outta Swift mimicking Stewart by her constant lip biting) but not all that stellar. Unfortunately, the majority of Twilight spoofs online didn't deliver, either.

However, my watching of the "New Moon Trailer Spoof" from good ol' Evil Iguana Productions led me to a Megavideo link of something called Batman Portrait of Evil: Silent Night (and I honestly thought it was Batman fighting a evil Santa Clause, a la the Silent Night, Deadly Night flicks). A 32-minute flick, credits included, with the Joker, Commissioner Gordon, Batman, and a house seige set on Christmas Eve? Count me in. And considering it's a fan-made project with a small budget and a couple of Batman-lovin' enthusiasts...it's pretty damn good.

Gotham City, Christmas Eve. Batman's on edge, worried about the Joker's whereabouts after his break-out of Arkham a little over a month earlier, waiting for the deranged psychopath to strike. Commissioner Gordon shares a drink with a fellow officer giving her the good news of her promotion. But the happy stuff ends there, as the Joker and his lackeys invade a policeman's house, holding his wife and two children hostage. Throughout the night, the Joker attempts to break the policeman's sanity, forcing him to make life and death decisions and undergo torture, all to prove a point. Anyone can break; all it takes is one. bad. day.

If the last line sounds familiar, it should. Much to my happiness and therefore kudos to the Evil Iguana crew, there's lines and quite a lot of inspiration originating from Alan Moore's The Killing Joke, a Joker-centric tale that has him forcing Gordon to undergo torturous trials in an attempt to make him lose his sanity and morality.

Moving away from the spoof genre, the folks at Evil Iguana instead conceived their own script using existing characters and created a engaging 32-minute movie with some impressive performances and tight script.

First up, acting wise - it's great. Director Deering plays double duty reprising his role of Joker from the trailer spoof, and even improves upon it. Freakishly emulating Ledger's Joker rather well (and by far better than the majority of YouTube videos I've seen of people trying to do the role justice), complete with the trademark voice and that thing Heath did with his lip. Considering that the Joker is front and center throughout the film's running time, maintaing the Joker's threat and creating an performance that would keep the viewer involved is paramount, Deering did fantastic. There's several moments that I loved, but one that was quite hilarious involved the Joker sitting in front of a picture.

As husband and wife, Tom Skobel and Adrianna Lombardo were quite good (although Lombardo looked quite young compared to her gray-haired hubby), particularly Skobel as he's mentally being broken down by the Joker's antics. Blow after blow, Skobel nicely conveys this man's descent to lunacy. Lombardo has limited screentime, sadly, as she's quite pretty. Writer Kyle Bridges channels a little Leonardo DiCaprio-Departed-ish with a New York accent as Commissioner Gordon; a solid performance, but sadly unable to fully emulate the awesomeness of Gary Oldman (my apologies, I'm just totally diggin' what Oldman's done with the character).

This being a Joker film, Batman's not a important part of the story, and is thus noticeably absent through most of the movie. And although it was great seeing Batman, he could have been exercised from the film entirely, and I wouldn't have minded. So, basically, all around greatness.

The script is brilliant and beautiful. By beautiful, I mean it works on many levels. Thanks to the great performances and the wonderful script, the tension is all there; I'm sitting in front of my computer wondering what the Joker's going to do next. He's unhinged, loco, ready and willing to do anything. When Lombardo's children are taken away, I'm worried; when the Joker picks up a present, my heart's beating faster because I wanna know what he's going to do with it (hehehe, oh the result). The dialog's great, the idea is exceptional. It's just...well, it's bloody dandy, folks.

In fact, the only real negative thing I can say is that they far over-use James Newton Howard and Hans Zimmer's scores for Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Yes, that music does help create the appropriate atmosphere, and yes they are using Heath Ledger's Joker as a inspiration, but that doesn't mean other music can't be consulted (I'm looking at you, too, fellow movie makers).

I know I may seem awfully giddy for a simple fan-made project, but out of the multiple low-budget movies I've watched on YouTube, none have grabbed me, impressed me, and kept me as enticed from beginning to end as Silent Night did. You may not find it as pleasing and marvelous as me, but this entire 32-minute short felt like a continuation of Christopher Nolan's film, and I know it would happen in a hundred years, but I would LOVE for something like this to be brought to the big screen for reelz. Just, y'know, check it out, see if you like it. At the very least, give Evil Iguana Productions a look through, I know you're guaranteed a laugh.

Trilogy Pack: The Evil Dead

THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY

This summer, as I was waiting for Drag Me to Hell to start, I sat ready to watch a horror flick by the guy who I know as “the director of the Spider-Man trilogy”; others folks, however, were watching “from horror director Sam Raimi, director of the Evil Dead trilogy”, eagerly anticipating Raimi’s return to the horror genre after his superhero detour. Up until recently (like, tonight recently), I never watched any of the Evil Dead movies. Of course, I knew plenty about Ash and his chainsaw-wielding arm, and I heard that the Evil Dead sequel was more or less a bigger budgeted remake of the first, and that the third film was set in the past. As to why the franchise was so revered and loved by countless fans that will defend Raimi no matter what because of these movies, I hadn’t a clue.

Now, a hour or so after watching the trilogy back-to-back at my local second-run theater ($8 for all three movies, not counting concession purchases), I appreciate Raimi’s trilogy, and I get why so many people dig the franchise, but as to fallen in love with it – nah, not yet; perhaps a few more viewings of the second or third, and I just might fall in love (the sorta funny thing is that I’ve owned the first two on DVD for three years, and haven’t watched ‘em). But I get one thing for sure: Bruce Campbell’s status of Awesomeness.

It was a frakkin’ awesome experience being in a packed theater with a bunch of equally-minded nerds and horror hounds watching the trilogy (as opposed to the nearly desolate reception the recent 1978 Halloween screening had at the Mall of America), and the Plaza Maplewood was even awesome enough to throw in a couple oldies trailers: the only ones I can remember at the moment were Krull, the teaser for Alien, Night of the Living Dead, and Army of Darkness. That made me super giddy. The last time a theater showed vintage trailers was four years ago, when my local Marcus location showed the previous five Star Wars trailers preceding Revenge of the Sith.

As most would-be interested parties have probably seen the Evil Dead trilogy, I’m not going to go in-depth, deep-in-specifics, but just give an overview of my general thoughts concerning the flicks.

EVIL DEAD
Bruce Campbell
w. & d. Sam Raimi, 1981

The first, the beginning, the Big Kahuna, Bruce Campbell’s big starring vehicle, Raimi’s first horror flickaroo – and we’re presented this with a washed out, red-tinted, hair-and-crackling 35milimeter print that was just painful to watch, and listen to. Obviously not the most ideal way to see the first of a ‘cinema classic’ trilogy, but the audience reactions to the screen more than made up for it [besides, it was fun watching the missing frames create quick edits; for example, a dude sitting on the ground gets up faster than Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan getting out of Dodge in Episode I, and I’m sure only a few people will get that reference).

Well, first and foremost, I can say this wasn’t what I expected. I guess all the hype surrounding Army of Darkness made me think this was more akin to that, but it isn’t so much. It’s dark, very independent looking, not so greatly scripted, not all that greatly acted (though I wager that’s part of the gem of the flick), and it’s really, really messed up. By messed up, I mean particularly the finale, that featured some pretty dodgy but inspired stop-motion claymation, and was quite grotesque. For some reason, this stuff irked me more than any of the Saw flicks.

For an independent feature, it's still quite impressive. There's a little bit of lag time where nothing really happens, and the suspense sadly isn't all there, but once shit hits the fan (aka the last twenty minutes), you just forget about all the not-so-stellar stuff. Oh, and one final thing: holy frakkin' crap, look at how YOUNG Bruce Campbell is! I'm used to watching this dude as the clumsy Autolycus, the King of Thieves in Xena and Hercules, and to me, THAT was a young Bruce. At any rate, Evil Dead was still a cool movie, but in comparison to the other two, it definitely ranks the lower slot.

EVIL DEAD 2
Bruce Campbell
d. Sam Raimi, 1987

Raimi and Campbell must be nuts, because Evil Dead 2 is just INSANE. Just when something got weird (Ash slicing off his hand, and it subsequently taunting him), it got even more freakin’ weirder (the entire house talking, laughing, and eventually Ash crackin’ up about it). And the sequence near the beginning when the naked headless female body gets up from the grave, dances around, makes sexual positions, and then has the head roll back on? That was one of the most messed up things I have ever seen, and if anyone was stoned watching the flick in the theater, I'm sure that probably blew their mind. As I said above, the sequel gets a lot of “grr” for being basically a remake of the first movie, but I was rather surprised at how little it felt like it; yes, it basically is the first movie all over again, but there’s so many things that separate the two that it feels distinct.

The character of Ash becomes more of a parody than anything else, being thrown into anything and everything imaginable, beat the hell up, and completely loses his bonkers. Actually, he’s like Jack Bauer thrown into a horror situation, but minus the intense seriousness and gun. The first film concluded with Ash once again the target of the thought-to-be-destroyed resurrected demons, and no matter his attempts, he’s always dragged back to that bloody house. This film follows that with Ash unable to get away from the house, and his problem gets more complicated with the arrival of four more people, one of them the daughter of the Professor who started this whole mess (who looked like the Gay Harden woman from Frank Darabont's The Mist, but I was wrong). Together, they battle resurrected old dead ladies (her reveal was a hilarious scene with Ash locked in the cellar), fight the woods, and Ash gets the bad end of the stick once again when he's sucked into a portal that brings him back into the time of Arthur.

Y'know, I feel really bad for Ash. This guy goes through Hell (not to mention what happens in the next movie; which, by the way, had awesome foreshadowing earlier in the story, complete with an hilarious one-liner on Campbell's part), with basically every part of his body getting sliced into, ripped up, jabbed, thrown into a wall, etc., etc. And yet he's basically indestructible. No wonder there's Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comic series - I gotta remember to pick that up. The franchise might not be half as fun if it wasn't for the audience wondering what new catastrophe's going to happen to him.

Impressive cinematography (the one-shot in which the Evil follows Ash through the houses' many rooms and doors is very cool), funny dialog, great kill-off characters (way better than anything the Friday the 13th franchise has yet to produce), and an helluva awesome ending. Pretty damn good, sirs, pretty damn good.

ARMY OF DARKNESS
Bruce Campbell
d. Sam Raimi, 1993

Out of the three, Army of Darkness probably receives the most attention, and I get why. Epic, funny, fun, cool, action-y, imaginative, and attractive girls; what’s not to like? Plus, it boasts one helluva awesome looking poster. Once again, Raimi retools the ending of the previous film into something similar but simultaneously different, and that sort of caught me off guard. Evil Dead 2 concluded with such a strong finale with of kick-assness, it felt a little weird to sort of wipe the slate clean. Anywhoozles, Ash (Campbell) has been transported back in time via this portal that was meant to exile all the Evil in the forest – which it did, but just brought it to a different time. So Ash is captured by Arthur and some other Knights, thought to be a bad guy conspiring with Arthur’s opponent Henry, but some believe Ash to be the prophesied one that will bring peace to the land. Ash doesn’t so much care about the peace-bringing bit as much as the whole going-home part, which is possible but only by ownership of a Necronomicon book. So Ash stays (plus the presence of a rather attractive woman I'm sure plays a part in that), and basically he inadvertently (in a rather funny scene that shows the importance of correct pronunciation) jump starts the Apocalypse, which leads to another awesome full-out war.

The best way to compare this would be Hot Fuzz meets First Knight. The humor and action of Fuzz mixed in with the ancient Arthurian tales of Knight come together to make one helluva awesome movie with a brilliant concept: demons in midevil times, and a 20th century man with a chainsaw hands comes to kick some demon ass! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

As with any mythical movie, there's gotta be a battle scene, and Army doesn't disappoint. Boasting one really awesome Bad Guy, Ash kicks some serious ass, beats the hell out of some bad guys, and (of course) gets the girl.

The film’s final minutes were a blast (keep in mind, this was the theatrical release, not the director’s cut). First off, it was GREAT seeing Ted Raimi onscreen; as a loyal fan of Xena, Warrior Princess (don’t laugh, it was a damn good program), it was marvelous watching Joxer the Mighty grace me with his presence once again. And Ash getting his shotgun, putting bullet into bullet into the demon, freakin’ SWEET! Total Awesome Fest if ever I’d experienced it.

And then the movie was over, the audience got outta their seats and headed home, and the Plaza mentioned something about “join us next year for this again.” So, here’s hoping they do the Trilogy again, and here’s hoping I have time off work to attend.

All in all, I didn’t fall in love with the franchise, but I enjoyed my time. The Evil Dead movies are completely nutty, freakin’ hilarious, highly imaginative, wonderfully casted, and – as the best compliment possible – one hell of a enjoyable time in the theater. Kick-ass job Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, Ivan Raimi, and everyone else involved in the production of these flicks. So, fellow movie lovers who, like I recently, haven’t seen the Evil Dead movies, would I recommend them? If you dig horror movies and corny, cheese ball fun, absolutely.

Geek Bits 003

Attention Riddick fans (the few of you left in existence, including myself), Fast & Furous actor Vin Diesel has been updating his Facebook page with a update regarding the next Chronicles of Riddick installment. Basically, writer/director David Twohy delivered "a really great script." So, hopefully, Universal will get their butts in gear and finance the picture, Twohy and Diesel will officially be on board, and maybe in a year and a half (okay, two years) we'll be seeing the third live-action Riddick adventure! I'm sorry, I'm just giddy; Riddick is 'da bomb.

Mark 13 August 2010 on your calendars, sirs, because that is when Warner Bros. plans to unleash the 13th Friday the 13th flick to theaters! (well, if you're counting Freddy vs. Jason as a Friday film) Considering the mammoth $40 million opening for the 2009 reboot, this was probably sort of a duh. No info (yet) on writers or a director, but I wager an announcement will be forthcoming. 2010 is shaping to be quite a horror year: Nightmare on Elm Street (view trailer & a pic of Freddy), Halloween 3D (if the Weinsteins choose to go ahead with that), and now Friday the 13th Part 2.2. [Bloody-Disgusting]

Because you asked for it: Universal Pictures is ready to pump out American Pie presents: Book of Love, the seventh American Pie movie, and the fourth American Pie presents release (aka 'direct-to-video title'), on DVD & Blu-Ray on 22 December. Watch the HD trailer here. Once again, Eugene Levy will reprise his role as "Jim's Dad", aka Noah Levenstein, and this adventure takes place ten years after the first flick (which did, in fact, come out ten years ago) with a new batch of virgin teens (one lookiny strikingly similar to Jonah Hill) trying to reconstruct "the Bible." As a personal lover of the Pie franchise (they're my Breakfast Club; I'm biased), I will more likely than not check it out, hope futilly that the writers got their game back and decided to make the story about the characters than the boobs, though the trailer isn't too promising. And, once again, there will be an Unrated cut (along with a Rated), though both cuts will be avaliable on the same disc, so luckily if you're renting it, one will be able to watch the Unrated cut without having to Blockbuster it or buy the flick.

Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass have a new flick coming out next year that can best be described as Jason Bourne in the Middle East kicking ass and taking names. Called Green Zone, the trailer is up, and it's definitely one helluva enticing movie. Action, intrigue, and Greengrass' trademark camera style are all present. Coutn me one as one of the audience members March 12th.

One of those awesome action flicks I've rented a gazillion times from the library but never actually watched, Smokin' Aces, is getting a sequel dumped onto the Direct-to-DVD circuit. Smokin' Aces: Assassins’ Ball is making its way on DVD, Blu-Ray and Digital Download on 19 January 2010. For cover art, plot synopsis, and features, check out BeyondHollywood.com.

Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day hits (limited) theatrical release on Friday, and 5-minutes of the flick (more precisely, 5:22) is now online. Naked butts, the introduction of Julie Benz (TV: Dexter), and kickass music. I am so totally there. Only sucky thing: All Saints Day isn't premering anywhere around White Bear Lake, Minnesota, so I'm screwed. Suckage.

And finally, low-budget independent horror flick Paranormal Activity (working on a review as we speak...er, read) dominated the box office October 23rd weekend, knocking Saw VI out of the #1 spot (first time for a new Saw release). Saw VI pulled in $14.8 million during the weekend, and Paranormal Activity achieved greatness with $22 million, making its gross revenue to date $62 mill. Pretty good for a roughly $10,000 budgeted flick.

In Short: Disney Singer, 'Funny' Comedian, Traveling Naked, and Angry Man

School is back in session, and my time to write reviews or update this blog is becoming increasingly more strained (not like I updated like an insane lunatic with massive amounts of free-time anyhow), so I've decided to give a few recent viewed movie's a critique in a short manner, right down to the nitty gritty and throwing away all the blubber that makes my reviews. So, without further ado, I write about the much-anticipated Hannah Montana: The Movie, Tony Scott's remake (this is no "re-imagining", this is a blatant, uninspired remake) of The Taking of Pehlam 1 2 3, the tiem flux love story that reminds me why I'm in love with Rachel McAdams: The Time Traveler's Wife, and finally, Judd Apatow's third dramatic comedy Funny People that is really one of those "love it/hate it" flicks.

FUNNY PEOPLE
starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, Eric Bana
written & directed by Judd Apatow
Universal, 136 mins., Rated R

Earlier this year, Seth Rogen also starred in a non-Judd Apatow production called Observe & Report, a comedy that a large amount of the general public found hilarious. Me? Not so much. The only reason I bring this up, is that I'm suffering through the same thing. It also happened with the much-praised about Adventureland (publicly and proudly advertised as "from the director of Superbad"). Judd Apatow's third movie (great Gatsby, only his third?) is an interesting one, and I completely respect what Apatow was trying to achieve with it; there's some great performances, and there's one ginormous tud. When the movie ended, I was left with a feeling of, 'Why did I just watch that movie? What was the purpose?' Perhaps it's that the marketers advertised this as a comedy, whereas it is undeniably a drama where its main characters are comedians, I would have understood and liked it a little more. And speaking of comedians, I never once smiled, smirked, chuckled, or laughed during their "stand-up" routines. If I were a ginormous company such as Facebook hiring a famous comedian/actor, I sure as hell wouldn't pick friggin' George Simmons. Luckily, Seth Rogen's Ira does a far better jobs with the jokes.

As it stands, Adam Sandler (who I used to have respect for and actually laughed with his movies) as main character George Simmons gives THE most annoying acting job of his career, never once making me laugh, chuckle, or smirk. Not only is his character unlikable (67% deliberate), but the guy's voice is so damn irritating in the flick I sorta didn't mind if he didn't get better. In fact, even when he's saying Ira's pretty good jokes, they come off as 'holy-crap-shut-up-dude' annoying. However, there are some career highs for many people in the creidts: first and foremost, Seth Rogen gives his second best performance to date (Pineapple Express is still The Empire Strikes Back of comedies, hands down), bringing on the chuckles where no one else could; and Eric Bana (Troy), who completely stole the show during its final act as Leslie Mann's new husband concerned about George's resurfaced presence in her life (Mann being George's ex-wife, see).

The idea of Funny People is an interesting one, and with an (mostly) good cast, he could have made a good movie. But honestly, the script sucks. The last half with George's ex-wife and the on again/off again relationship they form was sorta dumb and half-assed and, well, felt like an entirely different movie that would be far more interesting. I wouldn't mind knowing about the life of a comedian, but there's so many unlikable qualities about George that I find it hard to root or give a damn for the poor bastard. But even though I didn't really dig Funny People (or Knocked Up for that matter), I'm still sorta looking forward to Apatow's next flick.


HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE
starring Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus
written by Dan Berendsen
directed by Peter Chelsom
release: 10 April 2009
Disney, 102 mins., Rated G

There's really no effort evident in Hannah Montana's theatrical debut; similar to Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, it felt very much like a by-the-numbers, mundane and uninspired screenplay with the mandatory cheesy lines and acting required in a Disney flick. The lines between the life of Hannah Montana and that of Miley Cyrus is becoming even more blurrier, as Hannah's life is beginning to interfere with Miley's and is straining her friendships and family (prompting one friend to say "I'll never forgive you!" only to totally forgive like nothing ever happen and not even apologize for her lameness). As a brilliant solution, Papa Cyrus whisks Miley back home to her country roots, and it's there that she gets off her high horse and as a 'consequence' a romance blossoms with a clean-shaven, annoyingly cute boy who is helping out the family.

More or less a big screen production of music videos placed between cringe-inducing dialog which, I'm a little embarrassed to say, did result in a chuckle or two. And I'm also a little embarrassed to say that some of the song ain't that bad. Yeah, the movie's not great - didn't really expect it to be - but there's maybe two songs that might just be worth havin'. Oh, and there's a named cameo of Taylor Swift. Highlights: there's one badly done, unoriginal 'funny' gimmick where Miley runs and changes between two simultaneous dinner dates; there's the moment where Miley reveals herself as Miley and not Hannah Montana, and a young blond girl cries out for her to be Hannah Montana again after Miley does one of her own personal songs (taken out of context, it sounds mean, but in the spirit of the movie, it's one of those 'Awww, shucks' moments).

I'm sorry to say it's not going to be on my Christmas list this year, but it was a fun, if entirely forgettable and cheesebally way to waste a hour and a half. But, c'mon Disney, put some effort into your products! There used to be a time when Disney movies were something to be eagerly anticipated, to sit down in the darkened theater and expect something of actual quality and substance with a damn good script riddled with great characters, endurable cheesy moments, and overall funness. Bring that back.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3
starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, John Turturro
written by Brian Helgeland, David Koepp (uncredited), Morton Freedgood (novel)
directed by Tony Scott
release: 12 June 2009
Columbia, 106 mins., Rated R

The real draw of this movie is to watch Denzel Washington play a character he's played thirty times over; a character that never gets old and never loses your attention; a character he plays really, really, really well. He's the draw because he's charismatic, tough, able to play "good cop/bad cop", and is just a damn good actor. Co-star John Travolta just isn't Vincent Vega anymore, and I've never really liked anything Tony Scott's done (Alexander was a jumbled mess; Domino and Man on Fire became more or less endurance factors than anything else: just how much can a person stand this acid-looking, quick-cuts that would make the Saw directors get massive boners?). In fact, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 wasn't one I was going to see theatrically, but it was the third in line at the nearby drive-in next to District 9 and The Ugly Truth, so why not see it, y'know?

The basic plot is that a train, Pelham 1 2 3, gets jacked by Travolta's mysterious Ryder, who thinks himself threatening by yelling "motherfucker!" at the end of nearly every sentence. Ryder ends up being in communication with Walter (Washington), a train dispatcher currently under investigation for taking a bribe in Japan. During the course of one hour (the time Ryder demands a sum of $10 million), Ryder and Walter share oh-so-fun time together as Ryder forms a really clingy bond to Walter, and makes Walter reveal the truth as to what happened with this Japanese bribe business. The movie has moments of intensity, thanks more to Travolta and Washington more so than Scott's kinetic, quick-cut camera frenzy that he's grown an annoying fetish for. Performance-wise, not Travolta's best or Washington's greatest moment, but they both do well enough to make the paycheck worth it.

There's a unnecessary dramatic car zoom-zoom through the city to get the money at the destination in time, unnecessary camera nuttiness, crappy music, and all around not all that suspenseful of a movie. Apparently the movie cost over $100 million to make. Um, where did all that money go, folks? The movie looks low-budget and feels like a rushed production. Maybe Scott spent most of the money on its hideous color schemes? If you've exhausted your Denzel Washington collection and have no interest in watching Glory, this is a nice time waster with a good amount of slightly above-average moments to make it worth a viewing.

THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
starring Eric Bana, Rachel McAdams
written by Jeremy Leven & Bruce Joel Rubin, Audrey Niffenegger (novel)
directed by Robert Schwentke
New Line Cinema, 107 mins., Rated R

"Pretty good, mate!" That was my quasi-Vinnie Jones/Eric Bana proclamation that The Time Traveler's Wife is actually a worthwhile romance movie to check out. Fantastic performances from both Bana (who, as written above, was the absolute highlight of Funny People) and McAdams (a woman so very lovely and thank the Lord she's coming out of hiding since her 2005 surge), and a competent, coherent, and twisty screenplay by Leven and Rubin make The Time Traveler's Wife an endurable movie for both men and women and simultaneously pretty interesting to watch. Let's break it down this way: manly geeks get to analyze the "correctness", shall we say, of the time/space continuum while girls can ga-ga over McAdams and her tribulations whilst gawking at the hotness of Eric Bana (girls, see Troy).

Henry is burdened with a genetic disorder that allows him to time travel, and it's one sure-fire of a pain: he basically has no control over it, and the really sucky thing is that clothes don't so much time travel with him. But on one breezy afternoon, he runs into this stunning woman at his place of employment, named Clare (McAdams) who knows everything about him. Apparently, it's in his future that he meets this woman as a little girl on several occasions and striked up a bond, and eventually resulted in Clare falling head-over-heels in love with the guy. Romance blossoms, but once all that lovey-doveyness fades away, there's the stark and haunting loneliness that comes with being the soul mate of a man not in charge of his life...

My only real complaint is that the believability factor of all these relationship steps happening in such quick speeds is a little low. Here's this guy, Henry, who hasn't had time for a relationship, but once this girl says she's ga-ga for him, he warms up to her and eventually falls in love. It more or less comes off that Clare is a convenience for him moreso than an actual romantic partner, at least from my viewpoint. Nevertheless, once the pre-wedding part of the relationship is over with, the movie picks up considerable speed, and the script and actors are in perfect harmony, and the flick becomes one of those engrossing movies you can't take your eyes off. The downbeat but predictable ending is absolutely right, and I loved the fact that due to the wonderful time travel device, there's a brief indication of Clare's future which is oh-so-lovely. A dramatic romantic sci-fi-y movie that does most everything right, I'd say Time Traveler's Wife is definitely worth a few hours of your time.

RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space

Rifftrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space
featuring Michael J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphey
date: 20 August 2009
Fathom Events, 120 mins., UR

Back in the 1990's, there was this cult phenomenon called Mystery Science Theater 3000, a two-hour show that had a guy and two robots doomed to watch horrible, horrible B-movie flicks like Robot Monster and Manos: The Hands of Fate. Forced to endure these masterpieces of cinema, they coped by completely riffing and dissecting them, beating them to a bloody pulp, and all-around having massive fun. Since the show's cancellation, it's cult status has remained strong with 13 DVD box set releases and even spawned a movie.

Three of the folks involved with MST3K (at least, I think...) developed a new platform to riff movies without dealing with that annoying rights issues. They created RiffTrax, a website where folks can download .mp3 files of basically these guys dissin' the hell out of movies, big budget (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) to B-grade (something). My absolute favorist is the Twilight riff, which is freakin' sublime. Anywhoot, the RiffTrax team held a one-night only live performance for the classic "worst movie of all time", Plan 9 From Outer Space, directed by a one Ed Wood (world renowned for his bad movies, even famous enough for Tim Burton and Johnny Depp to unite in a biopic on the man). Luckily, the local Marcus Oakdale UltraScreen were showing the movie, presented by FathomEvents (who are apparently going to be showing a big-time Anime movie event for Eureka Seven in September). Overall, it was a fun time, but I gotta say, $12.50 for a single freakin' ticket is a tad too much. OK, like a lot too much.

The event was fun. The show began with one of those training or docu specials back in the heyday, this one called Flying Stewardess or something along those lines. Honestly, that was downright hilarious, and it's even funnier as jokes from this segment are brought up again during airplane sequences in Plan 9.

There were two faux advertisements as per "a word from our sponsers", which were quite funny. One talking about grapes and a 'GrapeWatcher' which updates a customer every two minutes on the status of ones grapes, the other being about some convention about...plants? Memory's a little fuzzy now. Anywhoot, these 2-minute sketches were then followed up by a musical guest whose name I think was John. A self-professed horror/sci-fi geek, he sang two songs with his guitar about zombies (the first might not have been, not entirely sure due to my going to get some popcorn). Overall, the guy was great; the lyrics of his song was hysterical, it being a conversation between an employee who just turned into a zombie who was once friends with a member of the Resistence. Funny guy. Mike, Bill, Kevin, and the musical guest (whatever his name may be) also came up and sang a little brilliant diddy about plans 1-8 and how they all miserably failed. Apparently, this skit was done similarly for the colorized Plan 9 DVD release, but this was new to me, so I found it absolutely brilliantly hilarious.

Yes, sirs, I found a lot of things about RiffTrax Live quite hilarious. I don't remember many of the things that left me so ROFLing, my lack of foresight to bring anything to write with let alone on, but it was simply great, geeky fun with an absolute tongue-in-cheek atmosphere.

Now, as for Plan 9 From Outer Space (originally titled Grade Robbers from Outer Space), this was the first time I ever watched the entire movie (never made it past the first five). The first thing I want to say is that the color print they used looked splendid. In fact, I really wouldn't be surprised if, just for cult movie classic sake, Anchor Bay or whoever owns the rights release a Blu-Ray version of the title. So, yeah, the print looked pretty, and there were many times I became distracted looking at the nifty coloring effects, especially when it came to Tor Johnson (the really big dude with his always-open mouth; speaking of which, there were some hilarious food jokes from the trio).

Speaking of the trio, there were some great moments. The commentary on the "Ruler" and the alien space ship grapes, the lack of fleeing or helping not being "invented" yet on earth, the 'sound effects' of the flying saucers, etc., etc. Mike & Co. were on their top game.

Overall, cool event. I hope there's more in the future (doubtful, but I can hope), maybe with Robot Monster or maybe even a Godzilla or Gamera movie!!! (now that's really living in a fantasy world) It was a fun experience, but the price tag is a tad high. Oh well, at least I got to hear some nifty original zombie songs. Now although I may never be able to watch the flick the same again, I'm ready to see Plan 9 in it's original form, endure it as much as possible, as I will do with Manos: The Hands of Fate. In fact, now I'm just itchin' to watch B-movies. I might just take a cue from Freddy in Space and do my own chronicle of bad flickaroos.

Road Trip: Beer Pong

Road Trip: Beer Pong
starring Preston Jones, Michael Trotter, Nestor Aaron Absera, Danny Pudi, Julianna Guilli
written by Brad Riddell
directed by Steve Rash
dvd release: 11 August 2009
Universal, 95 mins., Unrated

There's Frakking Worse Things

I initially wrote two opening paragraphs that weren’t all that funny with me sarcastically writing that when I popped in Road Trip: Beer Pong, I was expecting a movie of utmost excellence, and the second paragraph would basically lead in with “…it’s not.” Hilarious, no doubt. But honestly, I knew what I was getting into; everyone who picks up a Universal direct-to-DVD title does, especially with one that includes a “2” or “3” at the end of a title. Beer Pong is not cinematic gold, nor is it all around a really good movie, but it’s serviceable, and at the very least, made me laugh every once and a while, basically accomplishing what it set out to due. I was sorta hoping that with the trend of rather good American Pie sequels, that it would sorta rub off on these other DVD franchises, like Bring It On.

It hasn’t, at least not fully.

Nearly a year ago, Universal announced a slate of new direct-to-DVD titles that would be sequels to “hit” movies. On the list included but not limited to Grease 3, Mean Girls 2, The Naked Mile 4, Bring It On 5, Deep Blue Sea 2, American Pie 7, and Road Trip. Universal knows the franchises that will make money, and they completely plan to juice it in the DVD market. I myself am a sucker for the American Pie presents... titles, and I have rented the Bring It On and Asylum Productions, so I'm one of the evil blokes who are helping these relatively no good projects be green lit. Well, the first title of this new wave has been released, with unspectacular results. Here's hiping the next Bring It On with Christina Millian (Pulse) will at least be above average.

While best-friends Korkin (Trotter) and Jake (Absera) enjoy the benefit of bachelorhood in college, Andy (Jones) remains with long-time girlfriend Katy (Guill), who just recently transferred to his college to put an end to that pesky far-distance relationship agitation. Initially troubling Andy, Korkin pleads that he needs to go out more and party, to indulge in temptation with no-string casual sex with all the feisty ladies on campus. It just so happens a short lived relationship in Andy’s past has resurfaced, and is more than ready to rekindle the flame. While on a road trip to participate in a Beer Pong tournament, Andy seeks to meet up with his sexy ex behind Katy’s back and reclaim his “manhood.” As with anytime there’s four teenagers in a car together, hijinks and ‘hilarity’ inevitably ensue.

Direct-to-video movies I judge a little more leniently, knowing before viewing that more likely than not, its sole reason for existence is to yank some poor bloke's cash and rat away their minds with dodgy scripts that don't really matter and footage of a ton of boobies with bad and even dumber sex jokes. So, I rate the movie well if I found it entertaining, if the performances were at least subpar, if I laughed, and if there was at least some apparent effort put forth. 1) Yes, the movie was entertaining, though I found myself not giving a damn about the Beer Pong tournament which is, y'know, supposedly a large component of the movie. 2) The performances...well, eh, read below. 3) I actually DID laugh! Yes, surprised the hell outta me. 4) I haven't seen this lazy of directing since Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

The script doesn't work for the sole reason that Andy just comes off as a douche, conciously making the decision to embark on a road trip just to screw a old passion while his perfectly fine mentally and physically girlfriend is at home wondering what the frak is going on. Doesn't help that most of the side characters aren't worth remembering after the movie's over, either, with the sole exception of Arash, which I'll talk about in a sec below.

Luckily, the cast is all-around likable, with the sole exception of our main character Andy, with Preston Jones not giving one iota of a performance but instead attempting to get by with his ‘charming’ good looks. Trotter as Korkin is only noteworthy because he plays essentially the Stifler role, but never once being likable enough to understand how he scores with a Chastity Girl. In fact, much to my surprise, the best and most hilarious moments come from Danny Pudi, playing the horny Middle Eastern Arash, never failing to elicit at the very least a chuckle with his dialog that must have been improvised by him, since it was way too funny to be in this rather arbitrary script. The only returning cast member from the first installment is DJ Qualls, looking older than ever, playing the function of Tom Green’s character in the first – bad narration with small moments of funny involving a cougar-ish mom and her slutty daughter.

Road Trip: Beer Pong is for the most part enjoyable. It's weighed down by its overall unoriginal plot, jokes, and one-dimensional actors, but the performance of Danny Pudi alone makes this movie at least worth a Netflix rental (gosh no, I would never recommend someone buy this unless it was in the Half Price $3.00 bin). Just, please Universal, try a little harder with the next title.

(500) Days of Summer

(500) Days of Summer
starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zoey Deschanel
written by Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber
directed by Marc Webb
release: 07 August 2009 (wide)
Fox Searchlight, 95 mins, Rated R

Frakktacular!

“You should know upfront, this isn’t a love story. This is a story about love.”

Quite a brilliant summation of the movie, indeed. And you should know upfront that I dearly, head over inexpensive shoes in love with this movie, a flick that I would call about the next best thing since Love Actually (2003) made my jaw drop in its awesomeness. Phenomenal performances, a freakin’ brilliant script with honest and appropriately humorous dialog that could very well surpass Diablo Cody’s Juno screenplay, and of course – a wide selection of indie music that will probably make the CD a top seller. I could very well end this review right here and not gush on and on about how great of a movie this is, but I sorta wanna continue…

The basic gist (aka plot) is greeting card writer Tom (Gordon-Levitt) is introduced to the bosses’ new secretary, Summer (Deschanel) and pretty much instantly falls for the girl. Through a mutual attraction, a trip to a bar, and a common affection for the band the Smiths, Summer and Tom become, well, a “thing” for lack of a better term. You see, Summer doesn’t want to put labels on whatever’s going on between them, which off puts Tom a bit, a tad uncertain as to what they really are – boyfriend, girlfriend, what? Everything’s going good, though there’s a few bumps in the road, and then…WHAM: it’s over; Summer breaks up with him, leaving Tom in a state of anger, bitterness, and sorrow, which doesn’t bode well for his job that heavily involves happy messages to cheer a person’s day!

The movie doesn’t end at the break-up because it’s not solely about this relationship, this lost love. The relationship isn’t the important part, what it does and how it affects Tom is the thing that matters. We see Tom wallow in his grief and anger, we see the good times and the bad times, and we even get to watch Tom receive counseling from his twelve-year old sister as he tries to deal with his crumbling life (in about four humorous scenes). (500) Days is about love and life. The search for the ‘right one’, and the question whether or not you actually are destined to be with that particular person, and the devastating effect of a breakup (though let’s look on the bright side of things…LOVE!).

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who took a break from brilliant performances to go all-out zany in this month’s action extravaganza G.I. Joe) gives a phenomenal performance as Tom. Hell, even when Tom’s moody and angry at the world Joseph’s performance is riveting, hilarious, and captivating all at the same time, an ability not often found in even the most seasoned actors. Zoey Deschanel (Elf) is absolutely adorable and lovable, but gotta admit, I didn’t quite care for her character, either it being the way it was written or her performance, though I have troubling feeling it might be Zoey. Adorable, yes, but it was difficult at times to get a hold of her character and to like her enough to understand Tom’s nutty infatuation outside of her undeniable gorgeousness and favoritism towards the Smiths. Eh, well, love is blind.

I especially loved the brilliant use of its non-chronological set-up. For example, a particular shared moment of fun on day 120 (give or take) becomes a redundant, ‘yeah whatever’ moment of boredom and tediousness by day 274. Just watching these scenes of different days and different moments of emotions is quite fun and interesting to watch, a device that isn’t often used in romantic flicks. It’s a nice way of showing the development of a relationship without the two plus hours running time that filmmakers seem quite fond of these days. I am simply in love with the movie's structure, basically.

The script deserves high praise as well. There’s definitely several lines that I’ll be quoting for quite a while (including my favorite happy-go-lucky card yet: “roses are red, violets are blue, you’re a whore. Bitch.” You can sorta tell when in the relationship this takes place). Aside from the brilliant, quirky, sometimes self-referential dialog, I love that the script doesn't dumb itself down for cheap laughs or dumb jokes; I love the completely bizarre but freakishly not out-of-place dance sequence "the morning after" which includes a blue cartoon bird landing on Tom's finger; I love Tom's friends 'discussing' their 'love' life to hilarious effect; I love the exchanges between Tom and Summer and the very real, very honest relationship between them and how it never feels forced. A great, great script with wonderfulness in every page.

When the movie ended, I sat there a completely satisfied audience member who just watched a great movie that I rather wanted to watch again right away. Joseph and Zoey are great together, and the script is witty and intelligent, and I can’t think of a reason not to recommend the movie. Sure as day and night, I will definitely be picking up the DVD and will see it before it leaves theaters. Much to my absolute surprise, August is thus far boasting more treasures than most of the summer season (Star Trek, obviously, excluded), and I’m quite enjoying seeing one recommendable movie after another (and watch as soon as I write this, I see a movie so horrible I barf out of obliterating brain cells). Anywhoot, see (500) Days of Summer!