FANTASTIC DINOSAURS: The Loch Ness Horror

[Welcome to the return of The Rambling of a Minnesota Geek's project to watch every and all movies from the trailer-compilation video Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies. My goal is to locate and view all the films that were trailed in the video, and review 'em as honestly as I can. I love me monster movies, and I love me dinosaur movies, and this allows me the opportunity to visit some classic oldies of the sci-fi/monster genre. There's gonna be some winners, and undoubtedly some clunkers, but that's part of the excitement, innit? Enjoy 'em, mateys!]

THE RAMBLINGS OF A MINNESOTA GEEK

proudly presents

In this Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies set, the one trailer that really pushed me into the territory of wanting to actively seek out and watch all of the movies included in this compilation, was The Loch Ness Horror. For some odd reason, the trailer left quite the impression for my four-year old self. The dark colors and the scary underwater cinematography of a Nessie mouth itching towards the camera, unmistakably ready to kill me! I was captivated by the trailer, someway, somehow, so finally finding a copy of the film - no mere easy task - was met with loads of exuberance. All excited like, I threw in The Loch Ness Horror on my television, and within minutes, I hated it, and within the first twenty minutes, I was already bored, and continued being so for the remainder of the movie.

It was that enormously sad moment when something you were so excited to see for a long while is finally screened and it turns out to be a giant festival of utter shit. This is The Loch Ness Horror.

Frankly, my attention span was all over the place, so I can't necessarily tell anyone a good premise of the movie, but based off what I could cobble together from the narrative and online sources, there's this Nessie egg that is important to this "Yankee" scientist (*) and Nessie wants it back, an airplane that crashed into the Loch in the '40's becomes of enormous importance to some soldiers in the '80's, a group of teenagers convene at the Loch for purposes unexplained (although there is a nice slideshow about the monster, so I assume it's some sort of, er, expedition to check the place out), some mad old man who kidnaps a gal, this gal being one of the most upright button-up proper gals in all of sci-fi/horror cinema, and there's a trillion actors with horrible accents spouting off nonsense that doesn't propel the plot. Basically, airplane is a big deal to some military guys; Yankee scientist and proper chick have a connection whilst searching for Nessie; Nessie terrorizes random folks (I'm unclear if this is the first time Nessie has done this or if it's a common thing, which I would think would attract more attention than the Loch does now) and wants her egg back, and, er, I think that's it. Stupid people talking and wasting screentime until the titular monster comes onscreen.

*Each time a character says "yank", take a shot. I guarantee you'll be drunk before the film reaches its halfway point.

Nessie seems to have forgotten its body under the neck.

The single greatest disappoint - worse than finding out a movie I was eagerly anticipating turned out to be a load of shit - is the titular monster itself, the Loch Ness Horror: Nessie. Composed of nothing more than a bumpy hump and a long head on a stick (view right), Nessie is nothing horrific or monstrous, except in the level of laziness that went into the animal. That said, the Nessie face seems to have a mouth that can partially move and, when it roars (which is actually a pretty cool sound, terrifying in its own right) breath can be seen leaving, a simple aesthetic that somehow impresses me. To put it simply, Nessie sucks. I sought out The Loch Ness Horror because I wanted to see Nessie in action, and instead, we're treated to ninety percent lame human talky stuff and limited, embarrassing shots of the monster. Ugh. At this point, I'm quite looking forward to what The Crater Lake Monster has to offer. It seems the special effects team took the extra mile to use stop motion to visualize the creature in its entirety.

The conclusion reminds me of Jaws 3 and Jaws: The Revenge, with unnecessary slow motion implemented at chaotic times to make everything seem grander and more intense than it actually is. Taking place in the Loch, deep in its trenches, lots of red blood and extreme close-ups convey a battle between man and monster that ends in an stock footage explosion! Except I wasn't entirely sure what the hell happened, so I had to, once again, consult the interwebs to explain everything. Either I needed to pay more attention (which I blame pretty much everything about the movie for making me lose interest every minute) or the flick did a piss poor job explainin' what the hell was going on. I give up. 

Cast of characters include Spencer, the aforementioned Yankee scientist, who is a bit of a douche and lacks proper conversational skills, Jack the old Scotts man who boasts the most irritating accent of all creation, pressing his 'rrrrr's' too hard making him an instant nuisance, and Kathleen, Jack's granddaughter, the uptight proper gal who schools Spencer in all things Scotland and niceties. All these characters are annoying and deserved a most gruesome death, especially the grandfather. Some other characters include a crazy old man who kidnaps Kathleen, a Scottish scientist who spouts off science-y stuff to basically say 'I Believe in Loch Nessie', and two all-important teens who decide to get their whoopie on but end up plesiosaur chow.

Loads of bad sci-fi/horror movies can get away with positive reviews because the watcher genuinely had a fun time watching the flick, whether it be because the movie is just so bad it's good, or the watcher really does enjoy himself bad creature features. Unfortunately, I can't regulate Loch Ness Horror as one of those 'gems' that are simply so bad they're worth watching. The movie doesn't quite reach that level. If it wasn't for the absolutely rubbish script - the clunky dialogue, the sexist remarks, the subplots upon subplots, the incoherency, the clunky dialogue - there just might have been a chance this movie could be recommended on sheer bad-but-fun levels. Instead, in the end, it's all just one, big, boring mess. Despite the obvious budgetary restrictions and severe lack of a complete Nessie or proper screentime, it was a pleasure watching the monster in action, and that's about all the positive I can get out of this experience. Long to the point that every minute is felt, performances by folks who would make Hayden Christensen cringe, and uninteresting to the point that I was only half paying attention to the actual movie and instead concerned myself with matters far more important, like securing a copy of 20 Million Miles to Earth, next on my list of creature features to sit through.

Really, properly sorry to say firmly: skip this one, not worth the effort to find a copy and watch it. Instead, resign yourself to replaying the trailer, as found in the Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies compilation, which is far more creepy, horrific, and interesting than a single second of the movie itself. Just...ugh.

FANTASTIC DINOSAURS: King Kong vs. Godzilla

[Welcome to the return of The Rambling of a Minnesota Geek's project to watch every and all movies from the trailer-compilation video Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies. My goal is to locate and view all the films that were trailed in the video, and review 'em as honestly as I can. I love me monster movies, and I love me dinosaur movies, and this allows me the opportunity to visit some classic oldies of the sci-fi/monster genre. There's gonna be some winners, and undoubtedly some clunkers, but that's part of the excitement, innit? Enjoy 'em, mateys!]

THE RAMBLINGS OF A MINNESOTA GEEK 

proudly presents

King Kong vs. Godzilla

There are two movies that general audiences typically associate to Godzilla: [1], that piece-of-garbage-Godzilla-in-Name-Only American translation GODZILLA from 1998 that was both a blessing and a curse to North American Godzilla fans, and [2] King Kong vs. Godzilla, arguably the most widely known piece of giant monster entertainment and has thoroughly placed itself into mainstream pop culture. Similar to [1], this is a good and bad thing. On the level of good, this is a damn fine entertaining flick with plenty of monster vs. monster action, and on that level, will definitely entice younger viewers to pursue more Godzilla productions (fingers crossed), and is overall a well made movie. Downside: there's a high probability that folks will tune into this movie and this movie only, thinking that this is all Godzilla is and leave it at that.

Off the heels of its recent 50th Anniversary (as of August 11th), I thought it appropriate to breathe new life into this Minnesota Geek feature with this little gem. In the simplest of histories, based purely off my memory, how King Kong vs. Godzilla came to be is a result of this: Willis O'Brien really wanting to bring back King Kong, and proposed a concept called King Kong vs. Frankenstein, with the intent of realizing it himself via stop motion animation, the same technique that O'Brien received a few accolades for with his 1933 production. Apparently, no dice. American producer John Beck got his hands on the proposal and shopped it around, still with O'Brien on board but who, it seems, wasn't very "in" with the meetings. Eventually Beck brought the project to the attention of Toho Studios, and a joint production was initiated. Dropped was the idea of Frankenstein's monster as the co-villain (although the Monster later shows up in a Toho production titled Frankenstein Conquers the World), and instead Toho inserted their own monster into the mix: Godzilla. Premiering in 1954, Toho's Godzilla was a behemoth both in physical appearance and in profits, so much so that within five months the sequel, Godzilla Raids Again, landed in cinemas in '55, but that didn't go over so well. It was one of those obvious rushed productions. Thus, Toho looked at this as a opportunity to bring back their ace in the hole. With Beck and O'Brien seemingly having no involvement in this production whatsoever, Toho did what they did and Beck was handed the final product. Instead of stop motion there was the more cost-effective special effect of suitmation, with King Kong now a man in a rubber suit and extendable arms. The original 1962 King Kong vs. Godzilla still had a underlying sense of satire that translated well into the Americanized version, but a lot of the seriousness of the script was lost by Beck's meddling. Through Beck, King Kong vs. Godzilla received an extensive overhaul, with newly filmed scenes inserted into the narrative, over twenty minutes of the original movie lost, and the dialogue essentially rewritten. No other film in the history of Godzilla productions, with the sole exception of the original 1954 film, has been manipulated/changed as much as this one. 

*Also, just to note: the score has nearly entirely been exercised from the Japanese version. Composer Akira Ifukube's work only remains in the Faro Island dance/worship, otherwise the film cobbles together cues from several other prominent science fiction titles. Most recognizably, tuned ears will be greeted with Creature from the Black Lagoon more than once. Hell, far too often. And this is a huge shame, as Ifukube crafted one of his true masterpieces with this flick. Sigh. Oh well. All we can hope is that the original Japanese makes its way somehow to the U.S. market.

So it's nothing short of a miracle that King Kong vs. Godzilla, the American version, turned out as well as it did. Satire and pure science fiction cinema rolled into one, it's the Big G's most financially successful outing, and, as stated above, the most widely recognized Godzilla film. Today I'll be talking about the American version, currently readily available on DVD (packaged along with the other Toho King Kong-suitmation epic, King Kong Escapes).

Also before venturing further, a nasty rumor and commonly held belief is that a major difference with the Japanese and American versions is the ending. For the Japanese, it is said, Godzilla swims away victorious from his melee with Kong, while the Americans get to see their crowned gorilla as savior of all mankind. Truth be told, the same ending is in both versions. Godzilla and King Kong plummet off a cliff and into the ocean, a giant tidal wave erupting around a nearby town, and as reporters and citizens look on with shock at the sight, King Kong emerges from the depths, and only Kong, slowly lumbering towards (presumably) his island home. The idea of different endings is a neat one, but entirely false. Sorry, folks.

These days we got Freddy vs. Jason which wasn't the colossal misfire many expected to be, and we have Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which is about as low on the totem pole as you can get. King Kong vs. Godzilla is one of those rare times when two franchises mesh together so well, the whole experience is a damn good one. Since I'm reviewing the American version, let's get right down to it:

First and foremost, with repeated viewings, there's few scenes in the Godzilla franchise as annoying as these constant 'newsroom' interruptions and the terribly made-up set these scenes were shot at. The first five minutes is nothing but one guy on the phone with another guy giving us the plot, and this happens at least even eight minutes afterwards. What I'm most angry about is that the American version refuses to allow the story to speak for itself. Instead, we're told it, and shown only select bits, it feels like. Of course, this is all a consequence of heavy meddling and editing, but taking it as the final product we have, it's freakin' annoying.

But everything else? Solid fun. The dubbed dialogue hits all kinds of fantastic comedic moments, such as a character's tendency to ache and complain about his 'corns' or the behavior and stuttering of Mr. Tako, the guy who takes over custody of Kong (bet he wishes he didn't do that now, eh?). Normally I'd be a bit peeved at the infusion of comedy in a monster movies - I tend to like my monster flicks taken seriously - but considering that the humor and satire is part of the script's DNA, well, I don't quite mind it at all. And that adds substantially to the overall funness of this flick. This really is one of the franchise's better dubs (interestingly not handled by American International Pictures, but by Universal), and with the exception of the obnoxious American-added scenes mentioned above, it's one of the movie's best qualities.

Why care about dub and dialogue when the real reason to watch this movie is for none other than watching Godzilla, King of the Monsters, and King Kong, Giant Gorilla from Faro Island, kick and beat the shit out of each other? The two times these titans meet up, it's well worth the price of admission/purchase. First round is short and sweet, cementing Godzilla's upper hand with that whole atomic-ray-coming-out-of-his-mouth thing, and Kong beginning to understand exactly how deep in shit he's in. But then the last twenty-five minutes come about, where Kong basically wrestles himself free from his captors so he can get his revenge on the giant dinosaur. And ladies and gents, for twenty-five minutes we're treated to giant monster gold.

Sure, I got problems with Kong apparently gaining strength from a all-too-convenient lightening storm, and the horribly obvious and badly done long shot puppet work, but overall, we got two men in rubbersuits punching and kicking and doing all these amazingly fun stunts. It really is a knock around, drag-out fight. We even have this ridiculously humorous and horribly well done can't-turn-away stop motion moment where Godzilla pushes himself up with his tail and uses his feet to kick Kong backwards! I would have rather like to have seen it done with suitmation, but I understand the limitations of such a effort, so I'm happy with what we got. For now. Pity that Toho's efforts to make a sequel/remake have yet to pan out. So in a nutshell, forget about Freddy vs. Jason, these two monsters wrestling up in the mountains is glorious, absolutely, mind-boggling glorious.

As for the suit designs, well, I weirdly have a fixation with this Godzilla suit, "kinggoji", even though he looks a bit like a doofus. Special effects wizard Eiji Tsuburaya was quite intent on making Godzilla and King Kong lighter and heavily kid-friendly, so naturally the harsher design from the original movie and sequel were toned down considerably. These monsters are bright, bulky, and cartoonish, all deliberately, and in the context of this, shall we say 'world', that King Kong vs. Godzilla inhabits, it all works. I personally have my own issues with the King Kong design, but realistically, if you're going to film a rubber suit Godzilla engaged in combat with a big but not nearly as giant gorilla (as is the case of the original '33 King Kong, who is substantially smaller than the monster king), you are sort of forced to modify it accordingly.

Overall, I cherish this movie. I remember throwing in my Goodtimes VHS into the player over and over (mostly for the monster scenes, of course) and loving every minute of it. And this movie boasts one of my favorite introductions to Godzilla ever (clawing apart his icy prison). It's funny, it's extravagant, and the American version is pretty well put together all things considered. If you haven't had the luxury of experiencing this monster match-up, I'd recommend you get on it right away. Of course I wouldn't hesitate to emphasize the superiority of the Japanese version, but if that's not possible, this variation will do just fine.

Happy 50th Anniversary, King Kong vs. Godzilla.

FD - The Land Unknown

THE LAND UNKNOWN
Directed by Virgil W. Vogel
Screenplay by Laszlo Gorog
Based on a story by Charles Palmer
Special effects by Fred Knoth, Orien Ernest, Clifford Stine, Jack Kevan, Roswell Hoffman
Music by Hans Salter
Starring Jock Mahoney, Shirley Patterson, William Reynolds, Phil Harvey
Release August 1957
Universal Pictures, 78 mins.

The trailer's a perfect representation of a 'Andy Movie.' Cheesy glances of affection between the male protagonist and the female love interest who must be a reporter or scientist of some sort; a full on rubber suit Tyrannosaurus Rex with some of the most restricted movements in a suit I have ever seen; and a plesiosaur getting a mouthful of fire. All this against the backdrop of exciting taglines, like 'Beyond Anything You Have Ever Imagined!!!' and 'all the excitement of the ages!' Suffice it to say, The Land Unknown had a lot to live up to. I mean, I hold suitmation effects to a high standard, and if they didn't meet my requirements...

In 2006/2007y, Universal Home Video released a awesome two-volume set (which later became one big box set that contained both volumes) called The Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection. Plenty of lost 'gems' of the B/Z-grade sci-fi era were released, such as The Deadly Mantis, Tarantula, The Mole People, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Monolith Monsters, and more. The Land Unknown was lucky enough to be featured in this collection. It's also lucky that not only did it get a legitimate DVD release, it also looks fine...even after all these years. And by fine, I mean the video presentation looks superb. More on this down the line...

The movie opens innocently enough - a press conference in Washington, D.C. is underway: a expedition to Antarctica is being mapped out. The goal is to explore information passed by previous expeditions - a hot area in the arctic. In attendance is Margaret 'Maggie' Hathaway (Patterson), who is also going to be a part of the mission. She meets Alan Roberts (Mahoney), and they immediately grow a liking to each other (sorta; they have one weird courtship, and their 'romantic' dialogue is truly awful. Bad to the extent I can't figure out if the dialogue from Episode III is better than this). Anyway, old newsreel is being shown to the audience; the men express their unease with a woman on board, and Hathaway makes some side comment about liking to travel with 800 men...

Thus the expedition commences. Everything goes smoothly until (of course) some big bad storm begins to brew, and the group - who are currently in a helicopter - are called back, but they get clipped by a pterodactyl and are forced to make an emergency landing. Well, the luck of the Irish must've been on their side, because not only do they land safely, but they land in a below-sea level warm, volcanic crater with inhabitants of the Mesozoic era. As in, dinosaurs such as that lovely pterodactyl that caused the whole mess. Roberts, Maggie, Jack, and Miller spend the time running away from really badly designed dinosaurs and arguing with each other where to go and what to do.


The blossoming romance between Al and Maggie is put on hold when Maggie is abducted by a strange, primitive man. Our team investigates, only to find that the abductor is Hunter, the legendary man whose previous exploration of the area inspired this expedition. Hunter is mad - he's spent years living amongst the dinosaurs, doing anything and everything he needs to in order to survive. Naturally, some sort of conflict arises between the two parties.

But luckily the they unite in the end to fight the forces of Evil and save the day. Not really, but I was less interested in writing 'dinosaurs attack, there's running, then fighting, Hunter gets into the picture, helicopter works again, the day is saved.' Suffice it to say, all the characters get a undeserved happy ending, even the mucho wild Hunter. Although, I was sorta hoping their plane would just randomly start on fire and fall back down into the crater of dinosaurs - 'cuz that would be a great ending.


The special effects range from 'pretty neat' to 'really? ugh.' But on the bright side, the positives far outweigh the negatives. First let's get the complaints out of the way: although it may have to do with the limited budget, optical effects were disastrous. There were perhaps two really well done composites (primarily two shots with the T-Rex and our heroes running for their lives), but the rest was extremely dodgy. The worst offense is the ridiculous composition of the fixed helicopter against a moving backdrop; not a ounce of realism to be had. Another that stands out in my mind is when Maggie was face to face with one of those lizards masquerading as a dinosaur. She does her obligatory hands-raised-up-in-a-scream performance, and we cut to a wide shot with her glued into the bottom right corner, with every ounce of badness in the shot glaringly obvious.

But like I said, the composites were, in the majority, well done. They may not match the level of seamless meshing that Toho and SPFX supervisor Eiji Tsuburaya (Ultraman) were able to capture with their special effects films (e.g., Godzilla, Battle in Outer Space), but it gets the job done and sells the scenario without the god-awfulness of the composite taking you out of the experience. I am also a fan of the dinosaur designs, as well as the finished suit products. Before I go any further, I do concede that the T-Rex design is awful; and furthermore, the suit is so bad that it not only doesn't resemble any sort of idea of what the T-Rex is (let alone resemble the poster art), but is nearly impossible to maneuver for the suit actor (credited to Tim Smyth).

I am especially a fan of the (presumably) mechanical plesiosaur; its design is utterly menacing (further complimented by the equally menacing growl sound it's given; the T-Rex has a roar that reminded me of the underwater shot of a blown up Bruce the Shark in the original Jaws, which sorta makes a growling sound), and the way it glides through the water is quite eerie. Unfortunately the pterodactyl only makes brief (as in mere seconds) appearances.

Set design is also something the filmmakers should be proud of. The obviously painted background is quite gorgeous, and the miniature environment compliments the painting splendidly. Although if this flick was shot in color, I'm not quite as sure it would hold up. Frankly, I find that a lot of The Land Unknown's charm comes from the beautiful CinemaScope presentation in black & white - it helps set up a eerie 'mood' of sorts.


Speaking of CinemaScope, Universal has done wonders with the print. Released in their 'Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Volume' pack, the movie looks beautiful. By no means am I comparing the presentation to a full-force Criterion restoration of, say, a Kurosawa movie, but for a meager 1950's sci-fi/dinosaur film....yeah, looks pretty phenomenal. So thank you Universal, and thank you Mr. Cinematographer or whoever chose to film this baby in beautiful TRUE widescreen.

One disappointing aspect I guess I should start preparing myself to experience is the use of lizards to play the part of ginormous dinosaurs locked in combat. From the looks of it, this technique has been replicated in multiple dinosaur movies (including a update on the Jules Verne Journey to the Center of the Earth) as a cheap avenue to get thrilling monster sequences without paying for stop-motion animation (or dynamation).

In regards to the performances, they're about what you'd expect. Actually, I take that back - I went in with low, low expectations, but instead what I got was a group of actors who did their best with what they've been given. Now of course, the character with the most material to work with - and does so splendidly - is Henry Brandon (The Searchers) as the wild and enigmatic Hunter. A man frazzled by his experiences, and his need to learn how to adapt to his really sucky situation with dinosaurs and other beasties - Brandon brings the right amount of off-kilterness one would expect from a character like this, but also is human enough that his character is recognizable to the audience, and even invokes some sympathy. The other players don't have anywhere near exciting stuff to do, nor is there anything resembling character development; by the film's climax, the whole ordeal could have been glossed over and nothing would have changed in respect to these characters and the country's awareness to living freakin' dinosaurs.

I mean, c'mon, Toei's Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds put forth more effort than this...


All in all, glad I saw it. I'm a tad disappointed by the lack of anything 'amazing' in the film, but I admire the film for its cinematography and set design. Those were pretty damn nifty. The dinosaur designs were humorous enough to strike up a smile, and somehow...well, they work. It's unfortunate lizards were used as dinosaur stand ins, but with limited time and budget productions like these, I can forgive. Nothing noteworthy by any means, nor a cinematic abomination, The Land Unknown isn't exactly worth a recommendation, but for dinosaur movie aficionados, there's really no harm in checking it out.

FD - Jack the Giant Killer

JACK THE GIANT KILLER
Directed by Nathan Juran
Screenplay by Nathan Juran
Based on the novel by Orville H. Hampton
Special Effects by Jim Danforth, Howard Anderson
Music by Paul Sawtell, Bert Shefter
Starring: Kerwin Mathews, Judi Meredith, Torin Thatcher, Walter Burke, Don Beddoe, Barry Kelley, Dayton Lummis, Anna Lee
Release 13 June 1963
United Artists, 94 mins.

First up on the 'Fantastic Dinosaurs!' list is Jack the Giant Killer! Doesn't the name itself stir up some sort of excitement? The very title - a man named Jack, perhaps a man of nobility, or maybe simply (and more interestingly) a simple farmer man who has the power (or mere fortune) of killing a giant! And with each successive baddie he meats, he conquers them one by one, and hence the powerful and egocentric name! The actual movie itself is a tad underwhelming - which is unfortunate given my excitement to see this 7th Voyage of Sinbad Redux - but there's plenty of stuff that goes on in its short running time to keep a viewer entertained.

The story behind the movie seems to get more attention than the film itself. While special effects master Ray Harryhausen was shopping around for some funding for 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958), he encountered a man from United Artists, a producer by the name Edward Small. He passed on the project, but when 7th Voyage earned Columbia Pictures $12 million (a good profit) upon it's release, Small saw a opportunity to get some dinero. Not only did Small decide to replicate the successful film nearly to the T, but he also hired two actors from Sinbad (who basically play the same roles they did in that film) - Kevin Matthews and Torin Thatcher. In an attempt to not get sued by Columbia (FYI: didn't work), the film is a cited as a (very, very, very) loose adaptation of a European fairy tale (which apparently is the same as Jack and the Beanstock?).

In the end, Jack the Giant Killer wasn't the runaway success Edward Small (and United Artists) were banking on, and the movie's reputation is mainly that of its backstory, moreso than any jaw-dropping visual effects or unique storytelling. Anywho, onforth to the tale of legends!

Jack begins with a voice over informing us of the city of Cornwall's history, that it was once ruled by the Evil Wizard Pendragon (Thatcher), and it wasn't a very happy experience. Luckily, a powerful wizard stopped Pendragon and banished him (and his minions of freaky looking hobgoblins and witches, etc.) to some remote island. Equally luckily for Pendragon, his being immortal (somehow, someway - it's never explained) allows him to spend the next infinite centuries plotting his revenge.

Fast forward many years later. Cornwall is flurishing with live, everybody's happy, and the much-loved King Mark (Lummis) is celebrating the birthday of his daughter, Princess Elaine (Meredith). A huge party is being held, and Pendragon-in-disguise infiltrates the party, and gives Elaine a gift - a small creature that walks out of a house, dances, then returns to said house. Well, later that night, that little 'awwww, adorable!' gift turns into a freakin' giant Cyclops (apparently named Cormoran) and steals the Princess!

The giant just happens to make its way to Jack's farm, the farm of Jack (Matthews), a simple man who just wants to live the good life, but then this giant with some damsel in distress comes waltzing in, and what's a man to do? So he gets his sword or whatever weapons available to him, and slay the giant down he does! (At this point of time he still doesn't know the gal is a Princess; he just figures her a hot gal who'd want to personally 'thank him' for his service) Jack and Elaine's flirtation is interrupted when the King and his men on horseback arrive for Elaine. Gracious for Jack's saving of his daughter, the King makes Jack a Knight, and bestows upon him the responsibility of protecting Elaine from Pendragon.

A plan is devised - Jack will take Elaine, under the cover of darkness, out of the city, board a boat, and sail to a convent some ways across the sea. But, y'know, discretion is key, 'cuz they don't want Pendragon to know. But little do they know, that one of the King's royal members is actually a Pendragon supporter in disguise, and gives this info to Pendragon via a flying birdie.

Just as Jack and Princess Elaine confess their love for each other (in less than a 24 hour period, no less!), the ship is attacked by 'witches'! Blue translucent 'witches' that resemble demonic ghouls than anything else (there's even kaiju similarities), they're friggin' freaky to look at. Complimented with the eerie music and the equally eerie sound effect 'cries'...yeah, I got goosebumps. The witches set fire to the flags, kill crewmen, and blow extremely powerful gusts of wind against the crew, stopping them from attempting to save Elaine from their wicked clutches.

They win, swooping in with a mystical flying chariot and capture Elaine, and then go on with their business to show their new catch to Master Pendragon. Back at the ship, all the sailors just wanna go back home, but Jack, being a man of valor and virtue, urges them to head on and save the Princess. No dice. So Jack and the Captain's orphaned son are thrown overboard and into the sea. The witches arrive at Pendragon Castle and produce Elaine. Pendragon is most pleased with events turning to his favor, and uses some voodoo hoodoo magic stuff to make her into a green-skinned, yellow-eyed demon bitch. With the Princess under his thrall, Pendragon goes to Cromwell and reveals his evil plan to King Mark: vacate within a week, and allow Elaine and him to rule.

Jack and Peter, the son of the murdered ship captain, are rescued by the Viking Sigurd on a small 'ittle boat. However, this turns out to be super extremely day-saving lucky, for Sigurd recently found himself a wee small little leprechaun in a bottle. A leprechaun who can grant three 'tokens' to someone with a honorable heart, which is why Sigurd hasn't been able to utilize the little thingy because of his killing streak. Jack proves himself pure of heart, and the wonderful, orange-haired leprechaun who only speaks in rhymes ("Pick up the bottle - I dare you to. A caution - if you've told a lie, the glass will grow, and your hand will fry!") promises to help Jack fight against the evil sorcerer, as long as Jack promises to release him after his duty is completed.

Jack, Sigurd, Peter, and the leprechaun land at Pendragon's Castle of Doom; Sigurd and Peter stay at the ship, Jack (with his spiffy sword) and the leprechaun (still in the bottle) go to confront the baddie. Jack faces such obstacles as a magically closing gate, and four or five magically created guards ('dragon men') who have a habit of staying in place (whilst wobbling back and forth) when they really should be attacking. Intrigued at Jack's resilience to his powers and lack of being dead, Pendragon grants Jack a audience with him. Simply put, Pendragon is baffled: where is the source of Jack's power? Finally, in a rather awesome sequence totally spoiled by the trailers, Pendragon warns Jack (rather creepily, I might add) that if he advances at all, he will be turned into a dog. Gathering all the strength he can, Jack holds his sword in front of him, and advances - and Pendragon's magical curses are useless!

It's a cool scene, but it's strange that Pendragon, a master 'witch' of such extraordinary power, is thwarted by a mere leprechaun. At best, this experience has definitely heightened my excitement to see the Leprechaun horror series. Pendragon submits to Jack, and allows him and Elaine a few moments alone. Elaine's real motive is trying to figure out the source of Jack's magic, and Jack just wants to get her out of the Castle and get to a bed. One thing leads to another, and Jack finds himself poisoned by Elaine, and brought back to the castle, chained and tortured. Pendragon has turned Peter into a monkey, and Sigurd into a dog (an improvement, I'm sure).

Well, thanks to Jack breaking the spell that Elaine was under (she's now back on the side of good!), Jack, Elaine, Peter, and Sigurd (those two still in animal disguise) run for their lives out of the castle to the ship. However, Pendragon isn't too happen, and erects a two-headed Cyclops to deal with them. Ah, but not too fast. The leprechaun manages to call out a sea beast that works for the side of good, and they wrestle in a gargantuan battle, with the sea beast wrapping its tentacles on the Cyclops, trying to win. Unfortunately, the sea beast gets the short end of the stick, and is beat up pretty bad - but it saves the day in the end.

Finally getting aboard Sigurd's ship, they set sail, more than ready to go home. Pendragon, pissed the frak off that some freakin' mortal messed up with his thousands-year plan of ruling Cornwall, turns himself into a bat-looking dragon to exact his revenge. Elaine screams (AHHH!) and Jack engages in combat. He hacks and slashes at the dragon (!), it GRRRRRRRSS (!), and Jack finally plunges his sword deep into the beast, and they fall into the water.

The slaying of the dragon, and by extension Pendragon, signals the destruction of his castle, crumbling and killing his minions (including Garna). Pendragon's spells broken, Sigurd and Peter return to their human state, Elaine and Jack make moon eyes to each other, and the day - and Cornwall - is saved with smiles. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack the Giant Killer.

Minnesotan director Nathan H. Juran, a Jewish-American who was behind the camera for such classics like Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) and First Men on the Moon (1964), brings his experience from directing the really awesome 7th Voyage of Sinbad and somehow lazily directs a bad movie. I don't know about you, but if I'm given a run-of-the-mill, paint-by-the-numbers script (read: Hallmark Channel productions), I'd use this opportunity to do whatever I please with the camera. Juran chooses the point-and-shoot approach for most of the running time, creativity slightly peaking towards the finale, as Jack is captured by Pendragon and the Big Epic Battle Scene ensues from there. Still, I can't fault Juran too badly; this production had a reduced budget from what he had to work with in 7th Voyage, and it was made relatively quickly to get the studio some major bucks.

Aside from the directing gig, Juran was also put in charge of the screenplay. The script, as I expressed, doesn't offer anything new to the genre, although I think I might be too hard on that. These stories thrive on the typical set-up: a Evil Sorcerer, a dame to fight for, and a brave, valiant man with a sword ready to fight some baddies. So the overall story, I can get. It's just a little sad that the characters have nothing more to do than hit the plot points at just the right time, not having a ounce of personality to 'em. But if it was sheer, 100% entertainment Juran was striving for more than a good script, I'd say he absolutely succeeded. This is the type of story/movie that kids will remember - the brave farmer who turned into a knight and fought a giant, a dragon, and a sorcerer. Good, epic stuff, no?

With the exception of the stop-motion creatures, Jack the Giant Killer looks and feels like a film produced with a shoestring budget. The sets aren't that lavishing, although Pendragon's Funhouse is the exception. The King's residence in Cornwall looks especially fake with its cardboard walls and breakable doors. Pendragon's pad just looks awesome - skulls, red color tones to spice up the evil feeling, spider webs, chains, weapons, fire-lit candles...everything a bad guy could ever want to make his lair look villainous.

The special effects are epic in scope, but pedestrian in presentation. Shepperd by Jim Danforth, who tutored under Ray Harryhausen (It Came from Beneath the Sea), there's no shortage of imagination: a dragon-like monster in the finale, a sea beast with multiple hands/legs/whatever, and even two giants, one being a two-headed, pissed off motherfrakker. The only sad part is that the cyclops is nothing more than a pale replication of Harryhausen's beastie in 7th Voyage. It's regrettable that Danforth didn't attempt to add his own 'spin' to the mythic figure. However, the sea beast that fought the cyclops was pretty damn cool. Horribly cheesy and completely unrealistic (I can only imagine what my reaction would be like if I saw that image for the first time on the big screen back in it's release - I'm sure I probably would have laughed my ass off the seat), cool nonetheless. The finale's dragon that Jack fights to save the day is alright. Pretty menacing looking, but not all that well rendered.

Jack the Giant Killer was released on DVD by MGM Home Entertainment in 2004. The flick was basically barebones - the only supplement material being the theatrical trailer, which I wager many a fan will find satisfying, as it helps with the nostalgia factor. Plus, the trailer is the thing that ended up hooking me, so I guess kudos to you guys for including it. The DVD apparently also suffers from aspect ratio problems, as it seems to hop ratios at the beginning and end (the end I noticed). Additionally, it's been reported that the film isn't being presented in it's original aspect ratio. As to whether or not this is true, I'll leave all that technical gibbero to the blokes who actually know that stuff, like DVDTalk for example.

So as I walk away from Jack the Giant Killer, in all probability never watching it again, what would I say about it? If you're looking for one of those tales where an everyday man becomes a warrior and fights monsters and eventually saves a Princess and a Kingdom before breakfast, this is a fine addition that doesn't improve or tarnish the story. If you're looking for amazing visual effects that'll make you feel all kid-like again and believe that monsters are real and slay a dragon, the film will leave you a tad disappointed. But it's fun, and you could definitely do a whole lot worse!

...hmmmm, me thinks that last bit wasn't exactly the bestest way to leave off this review...

Well, there's good cheese and there's really bad Manos: The Hands of Fate-type cheese. Jack the Giant Killer comes from the good cheese.

Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies

Back in July, the always fun to read Freddy in Space set in motion a plan to watch all the films listed on a recently watched DVD he'd seen: 'The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made'. So, in between his horror blogging duties, he set out to locate, watch, and review all the titles on that list. Well, ladies and gents, I find that I, too, have a calling to do something just like that.

This morning, I woke up with the strange sensation to watch a VHS that I haven't watched in many, many years. (The exact number eludes me at the moment, but it's overall not all that important) This particular VHS, a replacement of a older edition that I had lost, was a Goodtimes release of the 75-minute trailer compilation feature, Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies. As a wee little lad, I drove my grandma crazy watching that title over, and over, and over, and over again. That and the Neil Diamond Jazz Singer (don't get me started...it was a dark time...).

I love dinosaur movies, and I really, really, really wanna watch all the titles listed here. At least the majority of them are more readily available than the titles on Freddy's list, so that's a high plus. And let's not forget the enormous satisfactions for myself that when I watch that VHS again, I will know that I saw each and every film featured in it (at the moment, I'm probably only watched 35%, which I guess counts as cheating, but I'm giddy enough about the project I just don't care; plus, it sorta counts because I'm re-watching, and thus refreshing my memory).

Included on the list:

01. Journey to the Beginning of Time
02. The Lost World (1960)
03. King Dinosaur
04. The Giant Behemoth
05. The Spider
06. The Giant Gila Monster
07. The Loch Ness Horror
08. The Land that Time Forgot
09. Jack the Giant Killer
10. It Came from Beneath the Sea
11. Them!
12. Valley of the Dragons
13. Godzilla, King of the Monsters!
14. The Giant Claw
15. King Kong (1933)
16. The Valley of Gwangi
17. Tarantula
18. 20 Million Miles to Earth
19. Godzilla vs. The Thing
20. Journey to the Center of the Earth
21. The Crater Lake Monster
22. Seventh Voyage of Sinbad
23. Rodan
24. The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms
25. Reptilicus
26. The Land Unknown
27. Jason and the Argonauts
28. Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster
29. At the Earth's Core
30. Gorgo
31. Son of Kong
32. King Kong vs. Godzilla
33. One Million Years B.C.
34. When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

When will I have time to watch and review each and every one of these, especially with some of these not having official DVD releases? Good question. With school kicking my arse (seriously, Basic Math absolutely sucks - throw a 10,000 word paper my direction any day of the week, don't make me do fractions!), reviews will probably be sporadic, along with reviews of other 2010 releases, etc., etc. But keep checking back for a new review, 'cuz I'm not going to give up on this project. And if it goes as well as I hope it does, perhaps I'll make a attempt at Freddy's '50 Worst Movies Ever Made', a list which features far less films that I've actually seen (heard of a lot of 'em).

Anyone else feeling a little bit giddy about this?