Crank: High Voltage

Crank: High Voltage
starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, David Carradine, Efren Ramirez
written & directed by Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor
release date: 17 April 2009
Lionsgate, Rated R, 96 mins.

What the Frak?

As the events of Crank: High Voltage unfolded, I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped in utter awe at what I was watching. 'Did I really just see what I saw? Did they really do that? How the frak did they get away with it?' Simply put, if you're a fan of the original 2006 Crank, this sequel will push you over the freakin' edge; it'll be like a festival of fire-crackers attacking your adrenaline-infused brain. Though, I gotta warn you: don't watch the movie under the influence, because this flick will most likely put one in a coma.

For a guy like me, though, I neither liked or hated the movie; I find myself too stunned by the experience to fully formulate an either or about it. As an action movie, it passes 100% with flying colors: gun blazin', guts flyin', giant freakin' explosions. If you're looking for anything remotely interesting plot-wise, I direct you to the newly-released-as-of-this-writing Year One, which probably has a more sophisticated plot. Hell, as I was watching the flick I couldn't really figure out what the frak was going on other than that our nine-lives bud Chev Chelios needs to constantly juice up his electrical heart, and the Triads want his real heart because of some old folk story (?). Whatever the case, it's the background for the action, and there's plenty of that.

High Voltage defies social barriers and spits in the face of 'proper.' In fact, I would probably rank the absurdities and 'holy shits!' far outside the realm of craziness the 'torture porn' horror movies have. Although it might be too much for me, it's obvious that the filmmakers had a jolly good time with the production of this movie and conjuring up insane action scenarios. A crime lord's henchman having two slice off both of his nipples, a bar melee with a girls breast implants going explody, a Godzilla-like battle in an electrical field, a electrically charged frak in the middle of a horse-race being cheered on by the crowd, a floating head in a water tank, bullets and guns going in and through basically every part of the human body, and so much more that I can't think of at this precise moment.

Despite the absurdities, I think I might've enjoyed it more if it wasn't for the hectic camerawork (which I recognize is part of the Crank-style of directing, but I find myself getting a headache by it more than getting involved in the fights). It's basically a much more hectic version of Tony Scott's Domino and Man on Fire acid-schemed visual flare. And even though for the most part my jaw was dropped in disbelief, I did thoroughly enjoy the Godzilla/War of the Gargantuas homage as Chelios and one of the Asian baddies, Johnny Vang, duel it out at the electric plant. It's great to see either A) those movies still inspire, or B) people still give enough of a damn to poke fun at 'em. I also chuckled at the Jerry Springer/Maurie-inspired TV interview with a young Chelios, basically the same way as he is now but amazingly a little more restrained (he kept back a few F-bombs it seemed, and kicked way less ass). So, yes, I may not appreciate the movie all that much or what it is, it did have some enjoyable, funny moments.

Jason Statham (War) maintains his potty-mouthed, no-bullshit demeanor, perhaps even beating out Vinnie Jones and Chef Ramsey in bad-assery-pissed-offness. Statham goes all out with this one, fully Mr. Intense Guy throughout the entire picture. His onscreen 'girlfriend' once again brought to life by Amy Smart (Road Trip) does little more than flash her tits, get frakked, and vanish from screen. The late David Carradine (TV: Kung Fu) has limited screentime, but damn if you can't tell he's enjoying himself immensely. Ling Bai (The Crow) is perhaps the most annoying character yet put onscreen in 2009, with her constant complaining and dumbassery accompanied by annoying seemingly redundant subtitles ('fuck this', 'fuck that!', 'that cocksucker!', on and on and on...) Efren Ramirez apparently plays a twin brother to a deceased character from the first movie (my memory of the first flick is fuzzy at best), and sorta reminds me of a sexuality confused mentally challenged indestructible zombie badass individual with a half-assed revenge plot. The character elicits a few laughs, but doesn't add anything overall.

There's gratuitous nudity, mass amounts of violence, swearin' up the frakkin' storm, more gratuitous nudity, dumb dialog, cool fight scenes, and 'OMG' moments galore. Crank: High Voltage is a masterpiece in the sense that it truly is absolutely insane with everything that's happening. The shit that Chev Chelios goes through, sorta makes me yearn for a Jack Bauer vs. Chev Chelios movie, and despite my love for 24, I think Chelios would have the upper hand.

Oh, and talking about 'OMG' moments, the very finale; that was just...crazy. Really, really crazy. (Spoiler) So Chelios is literally on fire, his body burning up a la a one Anakin Skywalker on a certain volcanic planet thanks to a certain ex-best buddie, and the final shot pre-post-credits is him sticking up his middle finger directly at the camera? The fire part is cool, I'll give you that, but the sticking up the finger and his victorious 'Yes!' moment? Nah, coulda done without that. But I coulda done without a bunch of other things from the movie, so I guess I can't complain.

You like the original Crank, you'll fall head-over-heels in love with High Voltage. If you found yourself having a giganto headache after watching it (like me), your brain will most likely explode attempting to sit through this. High Voltage is completely insane with some of the strangest, most bizarre and 'holy shit!' moments you'll ever see. With the critical panning and lukewarm box office results, I find it improbable a third outing for the indestructible Chev Chelios is underway, despite creator plans.

In Short: Gargantuan and Super-Duper Awesome Short Movie Reviews!

I'm just now recovering (and I use that word mildly) from a 5-day ginormous headache-o that has driven me sorta in the park of crazy. But now with the weather in Minnesota turning towards the rainy side of things, I feel like I'm getting my mojo back. These are some flicks that I've been meaning to write about for a while, but haven't had the gusto; and now, I'm just so tired of seeing them labeled 'draft' that I've bundled all the semi-reviews together into this holy-crap-this-is-totally-rad-and-brilliantly-worded review machine of awesomeness. Prepare to be amazed by my articulate writing skills and entirely original opinion of these hard-to-fine, completely obscure masterpieces. Come back later for some actual meat, like a Drag Me to Hell review, or Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. I still have a bunch of other titles to catch up on, like Angels & Demons and Up. Okay, maybe not a "bunch", but I still feel guilty. Anywho, hope you're all having a good day. Cheeri-o.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
starring Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas, Emma Stone, Breckin Meyer
written by Jon Lucas & Scott Moore
directed by Mark Waters
release date: 01 May 2009
New Line Cinema, Rated PG-13

There's Frakking Worse Things

So how did a movie fare with a bloke who doesn't like either of its two leads nor isn't a fan of romantic comedies? Well, alright-ish. There were plenty of laughs, many of them I think unintentional because I laughed more often than the half-packed theater. Basically, McConaughey's agent was able to snab him another role where he gets to kiss and caress many a hot woman (but this time a freakin' legion), but with a script that 'creatively' adds a Christmas Story-twist to it. McConaughey is Connor Mead, a guy who got his heart ripped once, and through tutelage of his deceased uncle (Douglas), learned the way of picking up women, having a jolly good shag, and dumpin' them later; a good existence, until three ghosts - past, present, future - show him his errors and hiccups, to try to point out that, 'hey, love is important, too, asshole!' As expected, his childhood sweetheart (Garner) is his destined companion, but can Connor change his bastardy ways to win her hand? I'll admit right now I was initially interested in the title, but there's nothing really here to appreciate; the performances are completely phoned in, worse than what I imagine people perceive Keanu Reeves in his 'performances', and the script is basically average. There's basically four reasons to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: 1) hot women for the guys and a shirtless McConaughey (again) for the girls; 2) boyfriend wins points with girlfriend; the supporting cast outshines our principal leads; and 4) it's better than Made of Honor (I apologize, I'm never going to get over how bad that was). Overall, if one must experience all that is McConaughey, this ones best left for cable or DVD rental.

Lady Vengeance
starring Lee Young Ae, Choi Min-sik
written by Jeong Seo-kyeong & Park Chan-wook
directed by Park Chan-wook
release date: 29 July 2005
CJ Entertainment, 112 mins.

Pretty Frakkin' Good

Superior to Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, but not quite reaching the awesome levels of Oldboy, Lady Vengeance is nonetheless a very interesting revenge tale that keeps your eyes glued to the screen. Wrongly-convicted Lee Geum-ja (beautifully played by Lee Young Ae) for the death of a young child, Geum-ja is released from prison for her supposed 'spiritual transformation'. However, that pretense is pretty much a facade as she's hellbent on exacting revenge on the person who set her up and truthfully killed the boy. But the interesting thing about Lady Vengeance that separates it from other revenge tales is what happens the last forty minutes (Spoilers follow): she, with the help of a police officer who believes in her innocence, recruits the families of all the children this man has hurt and killed, and leaves the mans fate in their hands. As far as I know, it's the first time I've watched a group of people collude in taking out revenge on a common enemy, as far as the whole children situation is concerned.

Director Park Chan-wook's usual sense of stunning cinematography is once again at work here, as is his time/place jumping, although it's far more restrained than his first effort in the trilogy (Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance). There are some pacing issues, but nothing that is too nagging; similar to Mr. Vengeance, there are plenty of abrupt flashbacks to Lee's days in prison, but at least these bits are interesting and actually add layers to the story. Score-wise, I can honestly say I can't remember a single note, even furthering the awesomeness that is Oldboy in that it really has everything a revenge story should have. Lady Vengeance has a lot going for it, from its stellar cast to its awesome script. If there's any areas to fault, the captivating performances and interesting story more than makes up for any lagging moments.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop
starring Kevin James, Keirr O'Donnell, Jayma Mays
written by Kevin James & Nick Bakay
directed by Steve Carr
release date: 16 January 2009
Columbia Pictures, 91 mins., Rated PG

There's Frakking Worse Things

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is one of those movies you don't have much to say about it. As a comedy, it works; there's moments of simple chuckles, and every once in a great while there's something that will really make you laugh. But sadly, for the most part, there's nothing significant about the movie to make it really worthwhile, let alone a DVD purchase (seriously, this title was a very good seller at work, nearly as good as Gran Torino's selling). If there's one thing that I would give kudos to this January comedy, it would be the casting. Kevin James (TV: King of Queens) is completely likable and relatable, and Kayma Mays (TV: Heroes) is simply adorable as Blart's love interest. Additionally, the Alan Rickman/Die Hard-like character Veck Sims, played by keirr O'Donnell (Wedding Crashers) is friggin' awesome, and the true highlight performance of the movie. Overall, it is an enjoyable comedy, but compared to this year's other mall cop flick, Observe & Report, it doesn't nearly carry as many laughs (and that's saying something, when I wasn't as in-love with that title as much as my friends seem to be). A decent if unspectacular family comedy that has its moments but for the most part is just...meh.

Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance
starring Song Kang-ho, Shin Ha-kyum, Bae Doona
written by Park Chan-wook, Lee Jae-sun, Lee Mu-yeong, Lee Yong-jong
directed by Park Chan-wook
release date: 29 March 2002
CJ Entertainment, 129 mins.

What the Frak?

Who knew revenge could be so bloody boring. Now I've seen plenty of revenge movies, and I understand that there needs to be a certain amount of character development and creation of tension. However, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance simply basks in them, creating two distinct hours dedicated for each character, while the entire story could be accomplished (without losing any of the emotional impact, I guarantee) in a far tighter version.

Telling a story of cause & effect, we first meet Ryu, a deaf-mute who tries to buy a kidney for his desperately ill sister after finding that he's not a right match. So he channels the black market, paying a group $10,000 (10,000,000 Korean won) for a kidney, but they vacate leaving Ryu naked and stranded. And its at this juncture that the doctors tell him that they found a donor, but need $10,000, the money he doesn't have. With the help of his radical friend Yeong-mi, they devise a plan to kidnap the daughter of a friend's boss for ransom, but that goes to hell as his sister kills herself for not wanting to take part of the plan, and the little girl accidentally drowning as he's putting his sisters body to rest. While Ryu tries to handle the situation and find the people who stole his money, we now meet Dong-jin, the angry father who makes it his mission to find the man responsible for his daughter's death and punish him.

Sounds really cool, right? Well, it could have been a very good movie, if it didn't feel like it dragged on forever. Sure, the cinematography, as well documented by nearly every reviewer, is simply beautiful; it's pretty much award worthy. But being so in love with the shots and the performances (which I concede are great, but aren't captivating enough to warrant 4-minute long shots of a distraught father) should not impede a editor from doing their job. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance could highly benefit from editing, and then I think this movie truly would be perfect. Director Park Chan-wook's interest in time-jumping/scene-jumping is also at full display here, oftentimes becoming a little confusing or simply irritating. Although this sounds like a overly negative review, I did not hate the movie, I just didn't enjoy it as much as I should. There are some great things to love about this movie, and deservedly so as everything is done with such a high caliber of excellence, but its poor pacing really deters the enjoyment level. The performances are top-notch, the dialog witty, the music moody, and the direction stylish. Despite the pacing issue, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance still comes recommended, but I would rate this one the lesser awesomest of the Vengeance Trilogy.

Fighting

Fighting
starring Channing Tatum, Terrence Howard, Zulay Henao
written by Dito Montiel & Robert Munic
directed by Dito Montiel
original release date: 24 April 2009
Rogue Pictures, 105 mins.

What the Frak?

This year's Never Back Down is a jumbled mess of bad performances, a even weaker and lazy script, and crappy editing leaving every scene rather awkward. The only redeeming quality of this poor production is one fight sequence and an attractive female co-star, although her beauty barely makes up for her lacking the ability to do a little thing called "acting." Fighting is officially the first really bad movie of 2009 in my book.

But how did that happen? The trailers made it look right up my ally. Never Back Down may not have been the best bloody thing since The Karate Kid, but it at lest had a fairly well-about script with some likable cast members with actual chemistry; Fighting is its opposite.

Shawn McArhur (Tatum) is living a rather meaningless life, selling relative junk on street corners for $20 a item, but a brawal with a customer catches the eye of businessman Harvey Boarden (Howard), who propositions Shawn with this idea: give people a fight, and you get some damn fine mullah money. There's also two subplots that rip through the film: a romantic story between Shawn and a waitress he meets by chance named Zulay (Henao); and a old acquaintance of Shawn's who is connected to a shady part of his past that Shawn would rather stay hidden.

As the official synopsis reads, Shawn "sets out to win the prize money at stake and the respect of those around him." Well, the first part is true. Shawn's in it all for the money, pretty much because he has none of his own. But respect? The way he's written and portrayed, respect has nothing to do with it - in fact, he doesn't even seem to give a damn about respect. What happens in the film is wish fulfillment for Shawn - he want hot waitress girl: check; he want money: check; he want to fight: check. There's no real motivation for the character other than the paycheck, and no genuine motivation for the audience to give a damn about what he does. Win or lose, I didn't care. Frankly, I wouldn't of minded if a fight ended Resevoir Dogs-style, with everybody shooting each other out of greed for money.

My friend who accompanied me to the screening didn't like the flick, but forgave it because of - wait for it - Channing Tatum. It's an unfortunate acting choice for Tatum, who earned my respect in 2008's Stop-Loss; but his performance here is nothing more than a complete rehash of his Step Up character, complete with his ghetto clothing and his constant stuttering and usage of "man" and "y'know" in a sentence. Sure, it's probably a deliberate choice of the actor and script writers to ground everything in some sort of reality, but it just becomes annoying. For further evidence of what I mean, consult that corrupt cop drama bust Pride and Glory (2008). The blow to one's performance is lessened by Terrence Howard (Iron Man), but just barely. He does something to his voice that made me think about Zorba the Hutt in the animated Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008), who had an uncanny vocal resemblance to a one Truman Capote. Hands down, Terrence was distracting. However, the worst performance offender of them all is Zulay Henao (who goes by Zulay in the film, too; how fortuitous), who has no acting range and absolutely zero chemistry with her co-stars. When I said that there was awkward editing, I example this claim with every scene involving these two; their first half-date was about the most awkward date I've ever seen on film, and this counts the Cook/Hudson paring in My Best Friend's Girlfriend. Zulay didn't even seem remotely interested in Shawn, and really, why should she? Nothing worthwhile other than his supposed "charm" (which comes across more as a 20-year old with intelligence developmental problems) and hot bod. Was Jenna Dewan too expensive to hire now that she's a famous actress? Wait...

Montiel's directing style seems to want to invoke a realistic tone to this overly hyper-realistic title, where impossible plot developments occur in a relatively short period of time, by emulating the ever-popular shaky camera style most publicized by Paul Greengrass with his Bourne titles. It's possible he's trying to cover up the fact that he doesn't have a good movie on his hands by attempting to "bring you" into the drama and action. However, he fails in this regard. It's just...boring. And for a movie that's sole purpose is fighting, as explained by a title unmatched in obviousness since Snakes on a Plane (2006), that's quite the achievement. Except, y'know, a negative achievement, but here's looking at the bright side.

The script - ugh, save me. For a movie that should be so simple ("Me want fight"), I was confused here and there about what the hell was happening, and why were certain things happening. Example A, and one that I know I've used but it bugs me that much: the romance between Zulay and Shawn. There simply was no romance, no chemistry. The way it's written, Shawn rubs off as a stalker, not too far from "dream boy" Edward in Twilight. Their first half-date is entirely awkward, and Zulay invites him to her apartment on the second, er, 'date'. No wonder he likes the girl: she's easy. Example B, the entirety of the Harvey/Shawn relationship - I don't buy it for a second. Perhaps the best thing to be said about Tatum and Howard is that they come across as genuine friends, but by all means, the script doesn't sell it. Initially, Shawn doesn't like Harvey, but once Harvey offers the dollars, all is well in this friendship. Riiiigggghhtt. Example C, the dyanmic between Harvey and his ex-friends is poorly portrayed and explained. I wish that subplot was scrapped entirely.

The final and worst offender - the fighting. It blows. If there's one aspect this movie's supposed to kick ass in, it's the fighting. There are four fights if memory serves me right, and two of the fights are hardly watchable due to Montiel's incompetent handheld direction which randomly zooms around and loses a good chunk of the action and makes it indistinguishable. The best fight is between Tatum and martial arts star Cung Le: that was some awesome, intense stuff. The final battle, predictable on all accounts (I was even able to predict how much the match would be worth), between the two frenemies is decent and kinda cool, but suffers from the same dodgy camerawork and editing.

Perhaps the best part of the Fighting experience was watching trailers for Quentin Tarantino's fourth motion picture Inglourious Basterds, the new Sam Raimi horror flick Drag Me To Hell (I'm totally there for the midnight showing), Judd Apatow's third film Funny People (I'm 50/50 about this title), and a relatively un-hyped heist/corrupt cop flick called Armored with Laurence Fishburne as the most recognizable actor.

In the end, do I recommend Fighting? No. There's far better titles involving people kicking other people's asses. If you must absolutely see this title, or are coerced by a girlfriend who has a unhealthy obsession towards Mr. Tatum, I implore you wait for a DVD rental, it's not worth the hard-earned dough and trying to piece together lazy plot points. Piss-poor presentation is nearly all areas of the creative development of this movie puts Fighting the first most deserving title to recieve the newly-instated rating of What the Frak? Honor it well, director Montiel.