Week of Horror 2010: Day 07

Here concludith the 2010 edition of The Rambling of a Minnesota Geek's Week of Horror. Hope you enjoyed! And if you missed 'em, previous reviews of this feature include Monster Island, Killer Condom, Paranormal Activity 2, Troll 2, Night of the Demons (2010), and Suspiria. Happy Halloween, folks!

Salem's Lot

Starring David Soul, James Mason, Julie Cobb, Fred Ward, Bonnie Bedelia, Lance Kerwin. Written for the screen by Paul Monash. Directed by Tobe Hooper. Airdate: 17/24 November 1979. CBS, 189 mins., Not Rated

Plot: There's a writer, a 'haunted' house, vampires, and they somehow all interconnect.

It's unfortunate to be ending on a sour note. After nearly all the movies viewed this year being good, I guess it was inevitably the final one would be a bummer. Long, drawn out, unnecessarily long, cliched, unoriginal, not matching the hype – pretty much my feelings towards this adaptation of Stephen King’s famous vampire novel SALEM’S LOT. I’m trying not to be biased here, as I’m not particularly a fan of King’s work, but this movie is sure as hell crappy, and I am not too pleased with my three hours of watching being rewarded with an wrap-up I’ve seen in countless other vampire movies. I understand that this movie was made in the 1970s, when vampire cliches weren’t done to a deathly redundant extent, but even then, audiences must have got the part that there’s nothing new or interesting to be had.

The best part of the movie is the photo right there. Barlow, the enigmatic new owner of the Marsten house, the so-called building where evil is supposedly inherent there. Beautiful make-up, and beautifully frightning, nicely conjuring up images of the 1920s Nosferatu. Unfortunately, Barlow is only on screen for a limited amount of time, but when it is, it’s bloody freaky, let me tell you. It’s yellow eyes that seem to captivate not only the characters, but the viewer watching. If given more screentime and thrown in a superior movie, this Barlow character could very well have been one of the most frightning and successful vampires on celluloid.

As it stands, we have a rubbish movie. There’s Ben, the main character who just needs to be a novelist researching the Marsten house, and spouts off dramatic dialogue akin to Donald Pleasance talking about Michael Myers in the HALLOWEEN films. The cheating wife, the angry husband, the romantic interest, the nosey Sheriff, the religious men, and the vampire handeler. I do give kudos to the production for spending the first two hours establishing characters and making an valiant attempt at making them dimensional human beings and not simply screen fodder, but seeing as how hardly any of these townsfolk are integral to the ending, it does come off as a nice time waster.

I frankly don’t have much more to say. What I have left to discuss is nothing but negative feelings about the movie, but I don’t feel like getting into that. The point is, I don’t recommend SALEM’S LOT at the least, and I felt terribly robbed of three hours where this movie could have worked perfectly fine, if not better, shortened into 90 minutes. If you’re itching for a vampire movie, even DRACULA 2000 is a better choice.

Week of Horror 2010: Day 06

The week of horror is closing up fast - I know, sadness - and tonight I present to thee a old horror classic. Well, classic to most horror fans. This was my first time watching it, in a double feature with David Fincher's SEVEN (also first time seeing that, and I was glad it didn't end as I expected it to). Previous entries in the Ramblings of a Minnesota Geek Week of Horror 2010 include Monster Island, Killer Condom, Paranormal Activity 2, Troll 2, and Night of the Demons (2010).

Suspiria

Starring Jessica Harper, Udo Kier, Joan Bennett, Alida Valii. Written by Dario Argento and Daria Nicolodi. Directed by Dario Argento. Release: 1 February 1977. Nouveaux Pictures, 98 mins., Rated R

Plot: American gal Suzy transfers to a German ballet school, and weird happenings get goin' relatively quickly, what with disappearances and odd sounds, the normal stuff.

Well that was...interesting. This is going to be a short review because I don't have much to say. One thing is absolutely certain, and a aspect that is already widely acknowledged with this movie, is that director Dario Argento has one hell of a eye for gorgeous cinematography. I understand horror movies in general don't get too much credit when it comes to that particular technical shindig, but flicks like HALLOWEEN and SUSPIRIA most definitely deserve kudos. Since Carpenter's original, I haven't seen such striking shots in a horror film, let alone the various colors Argento uses: the green, the red, the blue. All utterly amazing.

(Taking a quick detour from SUSPIRIA discussion, with each and every new horror remake, I've become increasingly disappointed with the lack of creativity in the cinematography. There are only two examples I can think of, and I doubt many others will agree with me: Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN [2007] made great use of hand held and emphasis on close-ups, but I can honestly say the cinematography was impressive, nonetheless, nicely reflecting the chaos of the story onto screen. The other one, Bayer's NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET [2010], is a mostly bad movie, but one can tell the music video director is at least trying to instill some mood/atmosphere with his wide and creepy shots. Not entirely successful, but kudos nonetheless. As far as Jason Vorhees is concerned, Ronny Yu's FREDDY VS. JASON just might be the most visually pleasing film we get with him. Alright, detour over.)

OK, now that the rich and creepy cinematography and vibrant colors have been established, I regret to be one of those folks who just aren't impressed by the story. Frankly, it's confusing from time to time, and it does seem Argento values the visual aesthetic over a solid story. As far as the final revelation of who and what is behind all these murders - well, it's cool, and the moment where Suzy gets to go all Final Girl on the old-as-dirt grandma is bloody awesome (as is the house ripping itself apart: COOL!). But I don't know if I fully buy it. Sure, it brings some logic to the first death, as well as the sudden attacks made by the blind guy's dog, but it all just sorta comes out of nowhere, and even though there is some backstory established, it all just feels kind of random and hokey.

This is the part where horror bloggers shun me forever...

However, in addition to the awesomeness of the cinematography and colors, SUSPIRIA also boasts two other marvelous aspects. Jessica Harper is amazing and grabs your attention instantly, her eyes and expressions just as captivating as the all-hell-breaks-loose finale. The other complimentary part of the movie that adds to the creep factor is the score, provided by a band called 'Goblin', with extra music added by Argento. Frakkin' creepy, and a little bit addicting. It's not like I haven't found the score on YouTube and listened to it the past hour or anything, not at all...

Beautiful, eerie, expertly acted, SUSPIRIA is a interesting movie. It reminds me of German expressionism of the early, um, 20s or 30s, what with specific lighting to create a deliberate atmosphere and crazy mind-frak sets [oh, yes, art direction is expert, mind you, expert. Mesmerizing to look at]. No matter my semi-reservations about the movie, enough that I did like it, it is a horror movie that hits many a 'best of' list, and its creep factor should not be missed, so I recommend.

Week of Horror 2010: Day 05

Five days in The Rambling of a Minnesota Geek's Week of Horror, we got yet another new-ish release. Thanks to the positive review from Freddy in Space, I felt inclined to see this flick, and it did not disappoint. In review, the Week of Horror has consisted of Monster Island, Killer Condom, Paranormal Activity 2, and Troll 2. Only two more days!

Night of the Demons

Starring Shannon Elizabeth, Edward Furlong, Monica Keena, Diora Baird, Michael Copon, Bobbi Sue Luther. Written by Jace Anderson & Adam Gierasch, based off the 1988 screenplay "Night of the Demons" by Joe Augustyn. Directed by Adam Gierasch. Release: 19 October 2010 (DVD). Seven Arts International, 93 mins., Rated R

Plot: It's Halloween night, and a parties ragging at a house full of demons who want to be set free.

Now isn't that photo just sexy?

So glad I found it.

In the special features, director Adam Gierasch made a comment about just making it a fun rock 'n roll sexy horror movie, and that's exactly what NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is. The entire soundtrack is made up of rock 'n roll songs, though to the movies credit, they all pertain to Halloween or the theme someway, somehow. You got girls dancing to the songs, either dressed in their slutty outfit (nearly every female is a slut in the picture) or in the process of taking it off. And the funness - well, there is that, but it mostly originates from the script and actress Monica Keena, which is funny that I liked her in this one but wasn't particularly a fan of her in FREDDY VS. JASON. Take the finale for example, a very nicely done sequence that appeared to provide a full-circle sort of ending, but then it defied my expectations and delivered a great 'bazinga'. NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a truly modern horror movie, embracing and joking around with the genre. It mostly works, and it sometimes doesn't.

I never saw the original NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, so those hoping for a compare/contrast review might be disappointed. But I can say that I was expecting a more eerie, moody atmosphere, an art house-type of flick that would freak me out. Eh, I did not get that. However, the demon make-up was freaky and cool. Again, I reference the above picture. I don't know why, but I am so bloody impressed by that demon job. I love the eyes, I love the demon skeleton face - it just rocks. Shannon Elizabeth's demon face was pretty stellar, too, but I can't seem to find a decent picture of it. Now, as far as the male demon faces - they're just freakin' ugly, as in, they're grotesque demon-wise, but they're also not very impressive looking from a design standpoint. Guess I'm just a little nitpicky.

Speaking of Ms. Elizabeth, it was great to see her after what seems like a long absence from the screen, and she gets a slutty role to boot. Although, male readers, you'll be sorely disappointed she doesn't actually do any flesh flashing, she nonetheless has a nice make-out scene with another gal. Being as how she's quite the promiscuous character and first to be demonfied, it's her duty to seduce and turn her fellow friendos.

And about the demons, story-wise, I dug it. Demons so cruel and evil that Hell itself cast them out. Now there's a whole movie right there. Frak, taking time to think about it, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a wasted opportunity. The demons possess human bodies, thus have the ability of speech, so it would have been astronomically fantastic to delve a little bit into the psychology of these beasts, get their point-of-view on the world or Lucifer, even. It also would have been nice to have a scene where a demon tortures one of the survivors, to get a sense of how cruel and evil incarnate they really are. As it is, they just gruesomely kill or maim people.

Wow, this review is making me sound like I need therapy. Very much not the case, folks. Just wishing DEMONS (2010) explored a few more avenues than it did. But what we, the audience, do get is a pretty good usage of 93 minutes, full of demons, gore, pretty ladies, slutty outfits, F-bombs (nearly all said by Mr. Furlong), and rock 'n roll.

Week of Horror 2010: Day 04

The Ramblings of a Minnesota Geek's Week of Horror is celebrating its fourth day, and to truly make it a momentous day, the movie selected is most definitely considered one of the worst films ever and thus a tad more special than the others. In review, the Week of Horror has consisted of Monster Island, Killer Condom, and Paranormal Activity 2.

Troll 2

Starring Michael Stephenson, Connie McFarland, Jason Wright, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Robert Ormsby. Written by Claudio Fragasso (aka 'Drake Floyd') & Rossella Drudi, Directed by Claudio Fragasso. Release: 12 October 1990. Epic Pictures, PG-13

TROLL 2, universally regarded as the "best worst movie" ever made - seriously, there's even a documentary by that title that came out last year glorifying the flicks awfulness. I know, I know, you’re probably wondering, ‘but isn’t PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE widely considered the worst movie ever made?’ Yes, it is. There are also documentaries about that film, too, and the life and hard times of its director, Ed Wood, Jr. But PLAN 9 and TROLL 2 are entirely separate type of bad movies. With TROLL 2, there’s an infectious fun about the whole shabang, where every absurdity heightens the enjoyment of the movie, and there’s a possible inkling that everyone involved in the production sorta knew what they were doing when they were making it. PLAN 9, well, to be frank, and this might piss off many a reader, is a very long, fairly boring film that fails to ignite any interest without a MST3K commentary track. Sorry, PLAN 9 lovers.

Anyway, how does one review a movie so universally known and loved? Ahem, loved in the being mocked sense. Here’s my short answer: don’t review it. Because, and I mean this in the best possible way, TROLL 2 isn’t a movie that should be spoken about, it’s the type of movie that needs to be seen, and then that viewer passing on their remarks to their friends, and their friends do that to their friends, and so on and so forth. TROLL 2 should become an annual Halloween even, or hell, just an annual event all in itself. Seriously, pick up a copy of the movie, DVD or Blu-Ray, your choice, grab your friends, make some popcorn, comfortably sit back, and enjoy the show.

TROLL 2 is a fun bad movie. In fact, if it wasn’t for the stinking feeling that the filmmakers made the flick deliberately bad, it could have been a rather decent production. A family lured to Nilbog only to be the desert for a bunch of goblins! I mean, c’mon, how astronomically wickedly cool is that? The answer is ‘very’, ladies and gentlemen. There’s two specific sequences that probably elicited the ‘worst movie’ title: the first was a super strange ‘love’ scene that involves corn, and lots and lots of popcorn. The other is a scene involving a scary woman decked in full Helena Bonham Carter make-up (think SWEENEY TODD) as she turns a young hormonal boy into food for her precious goblins. Two giganto WTF? moments that no doubt contributed greatly to the films, um, success.

Ha, I said I wasn’t going to review the movie, and here I am. Alrighty, here’s the skinny: TROLL 2’s badness comes from the dialogue and the people delivering the dialogue. Everything is said with such, er, gusto, like a really bad American Idol contestant trying their hand with acting and just landed their first gig exactly because of how bad they are. No matter ones dislike for the crop of direct-to-DVD releases these last few years, the actors in those productions are far and beyond superior to what is on display here. But paradoxically, and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but I’d rather re-experience these folks over and over again. Guess I’m just a sucker for bad acting, on occasion.

Oh! Last but not least, the actual design of the goblins. In a word, marvelous! Possibly the best evidence for the deliberate badness of the production, these goblins look like the by-product of a going-out-of-business Good Will store. Hire some short people, use whatever outfits, paper, and markers that were around, and voilia! A goblin was born. And before I forget – let’s take a second to talk about the title. If or when you roam around your local video store and decide to buy the movie, you may notice it double featured with a flick called TROLL, and the customer assumption is that TROLL 2 is, in fact, a sequel to TROLL. Not so the case here. TROLL 2 was originally called GOBLINS, all throughout its production, but the company, for some strange reason, decided to rename it TROLL 2 to capitalize on the, uh…successful (?) market name. So, this movie is by no means whatsoever connected to any movies before it. This is an entirely new creature of awesomeness. Got that? Coolio.

TROLL 2 is a bad movie, but it is 100% second-by-second fun. I highly, highly recommend any and all to experience it. On Demand? Watch it now! Got Netflix? Stream this second.

Final note: anyone surprised there’s not a TROLL 2 AND PHILOSOPHY book out there? Think about the chapters: ‘The Homoerotic Subtext of the Boyfriend and his friends’, ‘Religious Symbolism in Green’, ‘History Repeats Itself: Ritual Sacrifices, Adopted by Goblins’, ‘The Power of Innocence: The Young See What Adults Cannot’, and so forth. I think it’d be brilliant. And, a final, final note: the above screencap came from the recently released Blu-Ray, as taken by the brilliant review Adam at DVDTalk.com. The review can be read here.

Week of Horror 2010: Day 02

It's nearly Halloween time - only the best holiday of the year - and I am dutifully fulfilling my Halloween-loving charge. I've got my AMC FearFest on in the background [whilst studying Oceanography], I'm watching me some new horror flicks I've never seen before [hence this feature], while of course watching the classics (HALLOWEEN, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Be in the Halloween spirit, watch some scary movies this season! Without any further ado, I present the second day of The Ramblings of a Minnesota Geek's Week of Horror, 2010.

Killer Condom

Starring Udo Samel, Peter Lohmeyer, Marc Richter, Leonard Lansink, Iris Berben. Written by Martin Walz and Ralf Konig. Directed by Martin Walz. Release: 29 August 1996. Troma Entertainment, 107 mins., Rated R

Plot: Detective Mackeroni (Samel) is on the prowl to destroy a condom that bites off penises', but they're multiplying, and Mackeroni and the New York City police force may not be able to stop it in time!


Firstly and most importantly, I’d like to start with a sincere thank you to everyone involved in the production of KILLER CONDOM. This film’s very existence makes me a happy individual, and it will be a favorite ‘must see’ to all of my friends for years to come. Secondly, if by the end of this review, my words interest you enough, I would implore you to watch it right now, free, as provided by Hulu instant streaming. There doesn’t appear to be a expiration day, so you’re set for awhile. Now, onto the review.

"I bet the condom on the bedside table is about to show us its teeth!"

I’d like to take a moment to mention that despite the title, it’s rather misleading, in that the condom(s) don’t actually kill any of its victims, it simply maims them. I mean, it most definitely would hurt, and there’s plenty of blood to make a gore hound satisfied, but none of these folks die as a result of the sadistic genetic anomaly of a condom. Alright, now that is clarified…

"It was the condom, Sam, the condom!"

Now, I recognize the title may make it sound like a sleazy, no-good, not-worth-you-time, Z-grade production, but on the contrary, KILLER CONDOM is quite possibly the most fun I’ve had watching a flick since SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD. The movie is loaded with some of the most magnificent dialogue and one-liners this side of the moon [stupid phrase], the effects work on the penis-chewing condoms is absolutely gorgeous [hell, I’d buy a action figure of it, though I wager mom and the girlfriend would disapprove], and even with its running time, the flick breezes through to the finish all too quickly. In fact, I recommend either a sequel or a big-budgeted Hollywood remake to happen imminently.

"What's with these whores biting dicks off? They live off those dicks."

Oh, and any males thinking that they’ll be flashed some flesh during the sex sequences will be sorely disappointed. Yes, there’s flesh, but it’s of the male ass variety, so unless that’s your appetite, it’s a tad unfortunate. But also a bit on the humorous side, seeing how director Martin Walz moves the camera and puts objects in front of the genitalia is unintentionally funny, yet impressive.

"Nobody bites off Macaroni's jewels and gets away with it!"

We follow Detective Luigi Macaroni (or Mackaroni, although the subtitled version online spells it as “Macaroni”), a chain smoker, trench-coat wearing homosexual man who walks the street of New York sunglasses on, and in a very film noir kind of way, provides a good batch of ‘insightful’ and humorous contemplations. As Luigi comes face to face with the condom in question, he becomes obsessed with locating it, and taking the object of evil down. His manhunt throughout the hotel, dubbed ‘Hotel Quickie’, is marvelous. Gun blazing, swears blastin’, hose ready – western stand offs are hardly as full of tension.

"My God, it was after your prick! And it was in my handbag!"

In addition to his quest to destroy the killer condom(s) once and for all, Luigi also needs to deal with his love life. There’s the transvestite ex-policeman Barbette (formally Bob) who is quite sure that he and Luigi are destined to be together, as well as the young man Billy, who immediately vexes our protagonist. Side characters with plenty of screentime, they deliver some great moments, as well.

"Do you think that the people will elect a man without reproductive organs as the President of the United States?"

By the finale, the creator of the killer condoms, Professor Smirnoff (Ralf Wolter in a hilarious role), is revealed, and the individual pulling the strings gets the cliché monologue moment as well as giving Luigi a Spider-Man moment, where he must choose between A or B. Basically, the last twenty minutes are gold. I’m nearly compelled to post Luigi’s declaration to the villain, which is outstanding, but I’ll simply post a snippet:

"There aren't any condoms in heaven, Dr. Riffleson."

Despite how I make it sound, KILLER CONDOM is not a satire in the vein of AIRPLANE! or SCARY MOVIE, it plays completely straight and serious, the outlandish concept of a penis-chewing condom gets the expected disbelief from everyone at the prescient (until a hilarious scene with a politician), but also takes the opportunity to cross taboos like engaging in full on homosexual lovin’ (probably not a scene all too common in the late nineties), delves into political reflections, and satires religious zealots. In the end, it’s loads of fun, and I almost feel bad for labeling this a horror movie. Although, there’s plenty of ‘serious’ horror flicks out there these last few years that end up being funnier than all the SCARY MOVIEs combined [I’m thinking the WHEN A STRANGER CALLS remake, specifically].

"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you look hanging over a condom-filled pool?"

For 107 minutes, KILLER CONDOM entertains, makes with the laughter, and impresses with its visual effects. Oh! Before I forget, the sound effect of the condoms – akin to a squeaky Looney Tunes character – is just so much fun to listen to, and is the perfect opposite to the deep growl of the condom when it glares its teeth, ready to pounce. And the finale includes loads of killer condoms, including a big whopper of a one, and it’s menacing. Actually, it reminded me of a miniature graboid from TREMORS. The movie’s free online with limited commercial interruption, so there’s no reason to not give it a try. Enjoy the script, enjoy the killer condoms, enjoy the butt cheeks, enjoy the insanity, enjoy the film noir feel, and really, just enjoy.

And one last note: it's waaaaaay better than TEETH.

Week of Horror 2010: Day 01

Monster Island

Starring Carmen Electra, Daniel Letterl, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Adam West, Nick Carter. Written and directed by Jack Perez. Transmission Date: 2004. MTV Studios, 92 mins. Unrated

"Bad day to be famous."

"Due to unforeseen ingenious animal attack, Carmen Electra won't be performing tonight."

MTV's MONSTER ISLAND is a multi-layered film, going far beyond the conventions of a 'homage' or teen comedy and becoming something that delves into great themes of our times: fighting the good fight, facing fear head on and conquering it, the hero origin story, plus subplots of destiny and (possibly) reincarnation. It's a truly amazing display of masterpiece writing and directing, with a ensemble cast that appears unlikely to head on a movie of this magnitude. But alas, here we are.

...

Anyone believe that? If you did, shame on you. Sure, MONSTER ISLAND is - well, endurable, but it isn't a good or enjoyable movie by any means. There are some chuckling parts, to be sure, but the majority of the time, MONSTER ISLAND is just bad. Sadly, despite the potential for a fun teen-oriented sci-fi movie, MONSTER ISLAND doesn't really fall under the category of 'homage' or 'good', but instead is simply a bad movie that utilizes old tools to accomplish visual effects (and that, apparently, passes as 'homage' enough). The script is poor, the acting unbelievably bad, although Emmy worthy when compared to productions chummed out by the Asylum.

When Carmen Electra and Adam West provide the best performances in your movie, as a filmmaker, you should sorta guess you're in trouble. I do get that the movie's target audience is teenagers who'll chuckle at some of the dumb dialogue (look above), cameos (Nick Carter arriving in the film's closing moments to save the day), and humorous sequences, such as praying mantis sex. Regrettably, those moments just didn't clink with me. Although, kudos to the writers for naming West's character Doctor Harryhausen. Anyone who respects the master of visual effects gets a nod from me - and please, let's not engage in a Harryhausen vs. O'Brien debate.

Here we got a movie that climaxes with cave people fighting giant ants, which, y'know, on paper sounds alright, and quite right what with the whole homage thing going on. But execution wise - super poor, and super embarrassing. There's a big difference between lovingly paying homage to your genre and making a shitty movie for the hell of it and calling it a homage. Take 2009's SyFy Original Picture LOCH NESS TERROR for a good example of a loving homage. By no means is it a great film, but it's true beauty lies in how it respects its genre, embraces it, and simultaneously not only enjoys it but attempts to even stretch its legs. Y'know, add some fresh elements. 2004's THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA is another good example of this type of homage. This is one of 'em badder flicks, purposefully making things 'eck' for the hell of it.

On a brighter side, a starring role worth noting is Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Why? Well, I love her and her work, from GRINDHOUSE to SCOTT PILGRIM. But not even Ms. Winstead can get away with this ridiculous dialogue, and her character comes off barley any more likable than a JERSEY SHORE mate.

I can't in good conscious recommend MONSTER ISLAND. A while ago, when a Hollywood Video was closing up, they were selling the DVD of it for a buck. It was in its last days, and everything was a buck. But I skipped on it, unsure if it was even worth a buck. Dunno how wise of a decision maker I am, granted, taking into account I deemed KVC: KOMODO VS. COBRA worthy of purchase, but whatev. Point is: I'm glad I waited for a free stream. Is it worth that? Nah, not to the casual viewer, nor to any hardcore B-movie fans, or any fan of Harryhausen, O'Brien, Cooper, or the rest of 'em. It's just bad. Teens - well, to clarify - high teens, will quite enjoy this flick, no doubt. Otherwise, just skip it.