26 October 2010

Week of Horror 2010: Day 02

It's nearly Halloween time - only the best holiday of the year - and I am dutifully fulfilling my Halloween-loving charge. I've got my AMC FearFest on in the background [whilst studying Oceanography], I'm watching me some new horror flicks I've never seen before [hence this feature], while of course watching the classics (HALLOWEEN, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Be in the Halloween spirit, watch some scary movies this season! Without any further ado, I present the second day of The Ramblings of a Minnesota Geek's Week of Horror, 2010.

Killer Condom

Starring Udo Samel, Peter Lohmeyer, Marc Richter, Leonard Lansink, Iris Berben. Written by Martin Walz and Ralf Konig. Directed by Martin Walz. Release: 29 August 1996. Troma Entertainment, 107 mins., Rated R

Plot: Detective Mackeroni (Samel) is on the prowl to destroy a condom that bites off penises', but they're multiplying, and Mackeroni and the New York City police force may not be able to stop it in time!

Firstly and most importantly, I’d like to start with a sincere thank you to everyone involved in the production of KILLER CONDOM. This film’s very existence makes me a happy individual, and it will be a favorite ‘must see’ to all of my friends for years to come. Secondly, if by the end of this review, my words interest you enough, I would implore you to watch it right now, free, as provided by Hulu instant streaming. There doesn’t appear to be a expiration day, so you’re set for awhile. Now, onto the review.

"I bet the condom on the bedside table is about to show us its teeth!"

I’d like to take a moment to mention that despite the title, it’s rather misleading, in that the condom(s) don’t actually kill any of its victims, it simply maims them. I mean, it most definitely would hurt, and there’s plenty of blood to make a gore hound satisfied, but none of these folks die as a result of the sadistic genetic anomaly of a condom. Alright, now that is clarified…

"It was the condom, Sam, the condom!"

Now, I recognize the title may make it sound like a sleazy, no-good, not-worth-you-time, Z-grade production, but on the contrary, KILLER CONDOM is quite possibly the most fun I’ve had watching a flick since SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD. The movie is loaded with some of the most magnificent dialogue and one-liners this side of the moon [stupid phrase], the effects work on the penis-chewing condoms is absolutely gorgeous [hell, I’d buy a action figure of it, though I wager mom and the girlfriend would disapprove], and even with its running time, the flick breezes through to the finish all too quickly. In fact, I recommend either a sequel or a big-budgeted Hollywood remake to happen imminently.

"What's with these whores biting dicks off? They live off those dicks."

Oh, and any males thinking that they’ll be flashed some flesh during the sex sequences will be sorely disappointed. Yes, there’s flesh, but it’s of the male ass variety, so unless that’s your appetite, it’s a tad unfortunate. But also a bit on the humorous side, seeing how director Martin Walz moves the camera and puts objects in front of the genitalia is unintentionally funny, yet impressive.

"Nobody bites off Macaroni's jewels and gets away with it!"

We follow Detective Luigi Macaroni (or Mackaroni, although the subtitled version online spells it as “Macaroni”), a chain smoker, trench-coat wearing homosexual man who walks the street of New York sunglasses on, and in a very film noir kind of way, provides a good batch of ‘insightful’ and humorous contemplations. As Luigi comes face to face with the condom in question, he becomes obsessed with locating it, and taking the object of evil down. His manhunt throughout the hotel, dubbed ‘Hotel Quickie’, is marvelous. Gun blazing, swears blastin’, hose ready – western stand offs are hardly as full of tension.

"My God, it was after your prick! And it was in my handbag!"

In addition to his quest to destroy the killer condom(s) once and for all, Luigi also needs to deal with his love life. There’s the transvestite ex-policeman Barbette (formally Bob) who is quite sure that he and Luigi are destined to be together, as well as the young man Billy, who immediately vexes our protagonist. Side characters with plenty of screentime, they deliver some great moments, as well.

"Do you think that the people will elect a man without reproductive organs as the President of the United States?"

By the finale, the creator of the killer condoms, Professor Smirnoff (Ralf Wolter in a hilarious role), is revealed, and the individual pulling the strings gets the cliché monologue moment as well as giving Luigi a Spider-Man moment, where he must choose between A or B. Basically, the last twenty minutes are gold. I’m nearly compelled to post Luigi’s declaration to the villain, which is outstanding, but I’ll simply post a snippet:

"There aren't any condoms in heaven, Dr. Riffleson."

Despite how I make it sound, KILLER CONDOM is not a satire in the vein of AIRPLANE! or SCARY MOVIE, it plays completely straight and serious, the outlandish concept of a penis-chewing condom gets the expected disbelief from everyone at the prescient (until a hilarious scene with a politician), but also takes the opportunity to cross taboos like engaging in full on homosexual lovin’ (probably not a scene all too common in the late nineties), delves into political reflections, and satires religious zealots. In the end, it’s loads of fun, and I almost feel bad for labeling this a horror movie. Although, there’s plenty of ‘serious’ horror flicks out there these last few years that end up being funnier than all the SCARY MOVIEs combined [I’m thinking the WHEN A STRANGER CALLS remake, specifically].

"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you look hanging over a condom-filled pool?"

For 107 minutes, KILLER CONDOM entertains, makes with the laughter, and impresses with its visual effects. Oh! Before I forget, the sound effect of the condoms – akin to a squeaky Looney Tunes character – is just so much fun to listen to, and is the perfect opposite to the deep growl of the condom when it glares its teeth, ready to pounce. And the finale includes loads of killer condoms, including a big whopper of a one, and it’s menacing. Actually, it reminded me of a miniature graboid from TREMORS. The movie’s free online with limited commercial interruption, so there’s no reason to not give it a try. Enjoy the script, enjoy the killer condoms, enjoy the butt cheeks, enjoy the insanity, enjoy the film noir feel, and really, just enjoy.

And one last note: it's waaaaaay better than TEETH.

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