Miss March

Miss March
starring Zach Cregger, Trevor Moore, Craig Robinson, Raquel Alessi
written & directed by Zach Cregger & Trevor Moore
2009, 89 mins., Rated R

*1/2 (out of ****)

Miss March is so, so, so, so, sooo bad: at several points throughout the movie, our main protagonist is put under stressful situations, and because he just woke up from a four-year coma, he’s not in full control of how bowel movement, so of course, he shits himself not once, not twice, or thrice, but four bloody times (perhaps more – I stopped counting after a while); it’s jokes and gags are so completely lame (here I’m thinking about the dickless Craig Robinson – and I mean that literally) that it borderlines insults our intelligence not unlike those [Beep] Movies from those two psychopaths who escaped a mental institution and decided to expose the world to their level of dumbassery; it casts 30-somethings as teenage leads, and they look every bit their age; and other crap that I’m not feeling particularly interested in writing down at this moment…

So why then did I find myself enjoying every minute of this damn movie that Lucifer himself would use to torture his victims in Hell?

I chalk it up to being under pressure from mid-term exams, which is a reasonable assessment. Or perhaps my taste of humor has altered within the last year and I’m digressing to the concept of funniness that would make a 12-year old burst. Whatever the reason, I obviously acknowledge that this is a dumb movie and you probably shouldn’t waste your time [although the bit with the blood thirsty firefighters is actually sorta funny; and I love the abstinence bashing dialog], but I can’t help but add that I did enjoy it, and I did laugh, so perhaps someone else out there might like it. Of course, I don’t recommend you see it theatrically – God no, wait for the DVD release or watch it online if you must[this probably being one of the few times I don’t mind suggesting the not-so-legal route, but it applies].

Another hugely lacking aspect of Miss March is the concept of a “plot”; it’s more or less a loose concept that’s suggested just so sex jokes and gags can be implemented and our main leads can stare wide-eyed at the totally INSANE shit happening to them that they simply can’t believe it. Basically, Eugene and Tucker are two polar opposites – but they’re best friends: Eugene believes in abstinence, and Tucker will shag anything that moves. Eugene’s girlfriend of two years, who supports Eugene in abstinence talks, requests that they make love on prom night; Eugene, reluctantly – wishing to appease his girlfriend – agrees. Things don’t go as planned when he gets wasted, falls down a flight of stairs, and is knocked unconscious, only to be reawakened four years later by his ever-loyal buddy Tucker via a very unorthodox method of resuscitation. Thinking the girl of his dreams left him, Eugene is in shambles, but Tucker gets his latest issue of Playboy and flips to the centerfold – only to see Eugene’s girlfriend front and center! Tucker, seeing this as a chance to fulfill his dreams of entering the Playboy mansion and shag as many playmates as possible – and also running away from a girlfriend who wants to kill him because of a sexual act-turned-bad – while simultaneously helping his buddy out, kidnaps Eugene from the hospital, and they embark on a road trip filled with vulgar language, promiscuity, boobs, angry firefighters, and wacky rappers with lame tunes – all this and more when one sees Miss March, in theaters now!

[Wow, that was way longer than I expected]. The first five minutes are great – we meet Eugene and Tucker as younglings as Tucker discovers a playboy for the first time: a world of bloody wonders. It’s a cute opening, but then we’re treated to the really obnoxious duo of Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore, who double as writers and directors [har, har, har – I get the joke!], who aren’t all that likable. However, I gotta give credit to Trevor, who has an amazing ability to pull off dumbfounded effortlessly – there’s one sequence [seen in the trailers] where a girl bounces off a bed and out a window, and Tucker just stands there, eyes wide, mouth ajar in shock – the camera lingers on him for a while without cutting, and it, at the very least, has gotta bring about a chuckle.

As actors, Zach and Trevor are wooden, dull, uninspiring, uninteresting, and – as stated above – obnoxious, not to mention entirely too old for the parts. Writing – dull. Direction – nonexistent; which is pretty surprising considering both wrote and directed episodes of some strange series called “The Whitest Kids U Know”; anyone heard of this? You know the state of mind you’re supposed to be in to get maximum enjoyment from Pineapple Express? If you go that route and watch Miss March, it could actually be quite funny – or, if you’re like me and under tremendous pressure from school or work – but otherwise, it’s lame and crappy. The best thing to say about it is that it’s better than last summer’s College, but that’s not too hard to beat.