07 September 2011

Shark Night 3D

Shark Night 3D

Plot: Over-age stereotypes vaca in digital shark infested waters.

I’ve come up with a half dozen different ways to start off this review, but they all seemed to be a way too wordy and failed to really hit home what I wanted to say. So here it is: Shark Night 3D sucks. It really, completely, 100%, honestly does. If anyone watches the Syfy Channel anymore (now that’s a rant for another day), I guarantee you’ll find more enjoyment from their Original Movie crapfests. They excel at bringing Z-grade storytelling, ‘acting’, special effects, music, the whole bit. Yet despite the fact they make really, really bad movies, I’d rather give ‘em a go before watching Shark Night again.

What did I expect? I expected sharks on a human-chomping frenzy. I expected a movie to live up to its title. I didn’t pay for the ticket with the hope I’d be met with dimensional characters or a halfway solid plot. Hell, I’d be plenty satisfied if the plot was paper thin, so as long as we got the sharks. The title says it all right there: Shark Night. The poster promises shark bites. We did not get this. The creative team behind Shark Night couldn’t even follow through with the premise.

I want shark attacks, and what’s here instead are quick five second shots of some of the most painful big budget digital effects in recent years. Oh, and a dozen or so dorsal fin shots that never hold the same menace as that 1975 film. Point is, the sharks are hardly in this movie. Instead we’re treated to human beings that I reluctantly attribute the concept of ‘characters’ to, personifying the very definition of stereotypes.

Again, if the creative team gave us sharks – and lots of ‘em – I could care less about the ‘nerdy’ guy who we recognize as a nerd because he has glasses but has abs of steel that would make Captain America jealous, or the black guy who is using the nerd just so he could pass class while concentrating his efforts in sports. Or the redneck hillbilly stereotypes. Or the gorgeous blond girl with a fuzzy past and intimacy issues. Or the super, super, super senior college student played by an actor I’m pretty sure is in his 40’s. I could overlook a number of these ‘elements’ if they just gave us some bloody sharks!

Alas, the cumulative runtime of them onscreen is probably no more than 5 minutes. I think there’s one genuinely decent scene with the sharks, but that’s about it (if you really have to see it, I’ll leave this nondescript so you can enjoy it). So very little in the way of sharks, cardboard cutouts of individuals often referred as ‘characters’ in good movies, crappy digital effects, a ridiculous script, it all comes down to this: is it at least fun?

Honestly, no. Not even in a ‘this-is-so-so-bad, it’s-sorta-good’ kinda way. Piranha 3D somehow achieved that; My Bloody Valentine 3D accomplished just that in spades. The final judgment of this reviewer is to skip Shark Night 3D at all costs. [And yes, I did see this in 3D, and boy was it not worth it; sorta makes me want to go back and time and see Jaws 3D just to compare] If at some point you are forced into going or decide to sacrifice yourself by seeing it, just do yourself a favor and stay ‘till after the credits: there’s a music video that is far more entertaining than the feature itself.

Rating: 2/10 - Watch anything else. Syfy Channel Original junk, SHARK ATTACK 3, what have you; just not this. Unless you're doing your own Rifftrax commentary! Upload that. Should be neat.

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